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Have you Ever Been Estranged???


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#1 sKinnY

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 03:34 PM

I ask this because I believe I've hit the bare minimum in years that it takes to officially become estranged from my father. I think 3 years is it. We haven't spoke since my grandmother's funeral a few years ago. I wont' go into all the details about how it went down or anything, but it's due to the fact the he didn't do something he SHOULD have done. As a husband, father, friend or just an unselfish human being. Anyway...a few of you may know or have heard that I've recently become engaged to be married. Now comes all the fun stuff as far as getting in touch with relatives, planning all the parties and junk like that. Now I think it's time to try and let bygones be bygones, or even just try and be civil to one another enough to make peace and have some sort of relationship again. I've already had one uncomfortable phone call with him in the last week to tell him of my "news" and he sounded genuinely happy. At the same time we both were quite distant in our conversation(it was almost like talking with a stranger). Have any of my fellow sombies been in this same situation? if so how did you come out of it? He's not in the greatest of shape these days, and I'd hate to have something happen to him and not have given myself the chance to try and fix stuff. Hell, i'd at least like him at my wedding, even if we aren't eye to eye. Thoughts? Words of Wisdom? Or just call me a pussy? lol

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#2 sin city

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 03:35 PM

maybe he feels ashamed or embarrassed at how he acted. Throw him a line, see if he takes it. Life's too short. At least if you do you'll know that you did what you could. edit: oh, and stop being a pussy.
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#3 Finn McCool

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 03:39 PM

Anyway...a few of you may know or have heard that I've recently become engaged to be married.


Wha'?! To your girlfriend? How about that! Congrats, man - being married's the coolest...like getting picked first for the team every day, I say.

And Sin City's right - particularly about the life's-too-short angle.
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#4 Damo Suzuki

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 03:40 PM

As long as it doesn't weight on you, fuck him. Life is too short. But if its something you think about or carry around with you-- just forget about whatever bullshit went down and make amends. At the very least to say you got it off your chest.
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#5 pong

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 03:50 PM

I ask this because I believe I've hit the bare minimum in years that it takes to officially become estranged from my father. I think 3 years is it. We haven't spoke since my grandmother's funeral a few years ago. I wont' go into all the details about how it went down or anything, but it's due to the fact the he didn't do something he SHOULD have done. As a husband, father, friend or just an unselfish human being.

Anyway...a few of you may know or have heard that I've recently become engaged to be married. Now comes all the fun stuff as far as getting in touch with relatives, planning all the parties and junk like that. Now I think it's time to try and let bygones be bygones, or even just try and be civil to one another enough to make peace and have some sort of relationship again. I've already had one uncomfortable phone call with him in the last week to tell him of my "news" and he sounded genuinely happy. At the same time we both were quite distant in our conversation(it was almost like talking with a stranger).

Have any of my fellow sombies been in this same situation? if so how did you come out of it?

He's not in the greatest of shape these days, and I'd hate to have something happen to him and not have given myself the chance to try and fix stuff. Hell, i'd at least like him at my wedding, even if we aren't eye to eye.

Thoughts? Words of Wisdom? Or just call me a pussy? lol


Dude. Huge congratulations and good luck.

I have experience with this. Work hard to rebuild your relationship with your father. My relationship with my dad was horrible at one time due to divorce, but I worked to rebuild it and now we are really close. It has paid off big-time for me.

If you ever have kids, like for myself, it will then pay 10 fold dividends for you and the kids.

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 03:50 PM

over the years i have had serious ups and downs with my father and i've learned that in most situations when one of us has to be the bigger man and forgive, it's usually the son's place to do so or at least start the dialogue of making amends. it's easier for us to do it, they are getting older and crazier every year... and in a strange way, the roles have reversed. i think it's pretty tough for a father to see his son mature in ways that they had nothing to do with and that can trigger a strange stubborn selfish thing in them. make amends. you don't want your father to miss out on partying with the Greeks, do ya'?

#7 velocity

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:15 PM

There's a lot to be said for laying aside the bs to try to be real. It's a powerful thing when one's offspring steps up to be the bigger person. The how is another matter. Maybe start by meeting him for drinks or having him over for dinner before the wedding? Congratulations, btw. edit: what simakos said.

#8 Rob Gordon

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:19 PM

Write a heart felt letter to him. Wait a week to see if he makes a move. If not, call him to ask if he got the letter. Try not to talk and see if he'll respond to its contents. The outcome of that call should tell you whether to reconcile or not.
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#9 bleach

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:20 PM

hard to say w/o knowing what caused the distance between youz but i do know this: people grieve over the loss of a loved one in very different ways and some may be selfish but to each his own i say, especially concerning death. and let's be honest, you only get married two or three times during your lifetime so you should probably be the bigger man here, play it cool, do the right thing with the invite and if he attends do not under any circumstances get drunk and asked what the hell he was thinking three years ago. i mean....dude might not be around for your next marriage so let's have fun at this one!
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#10 TJENZ

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:21 PM

If you're looking for the perfect ice breaker w/your pops, let him have sex w/your fiance.

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#11 Hero

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:23 PM

i think some time apart from yr dad was probably a good thing as you had some unsettling feelings. 3 yrs might be a lil long, but it's never too late. you're being the bigger man here. All people, especially relatives are gonna do things that make you wish you didn't know them, but it's just part of life. I don't know your situation and I wont pretend to, but I think of some of the crappy things my dad has done...it sucks, but then i think of the crappy things i've done to make his life harder. Holding a grudge takes way too much energy outta me. Even though you might not have the same relationship, a less intimate "call twice a year (father's day, christmas)" would be better than nothing. i'm sure getting this outta the way will benefit you with your future kids. Congrats on the marriage!
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#12 pong

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:37 PM

If it's a question of "how", I suggest fishing. Again, speaking from experience, that's what I did. Being in a boat with my dad for 3.5 days was painful as shit, and we had it out on many topics, but in the end it was all worth it. It's easy too because you are doing something fun as hell in between the "tough" moments. When you get back to civilization, the problems somehow seem like a distant memory in comparison to before you left.

#13 DrAftershave

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:57 PM

my dad was shit. he was nothing but a mentally fucked up alcoholic who had nothing better to do than inflict pain and suffering on my family. any love i had for him as a child was gone by the time i reached my teen years. i tried to let bygones be bygones and patch things up with him in my early twenties, but he had to go and fuck that up also and as a result, i refused to have contact with him for almost ten years. in the end, he more or less saw the error of his ways (due to getting almost killed in a mugging and realizing how short life could be) and started making amends towards me. over the last three years of his life we kept in touch on and off and would even hang out together at times. but by that point, i just saw him as an acquaintance. kind of how you are friends with someone at work but you have nothing to do with that person outside of the job and don't keep in touch when you no longer work there. i didn't shed a tear when he died from his lifestyle and felt glad he was gone so i wouldn't have to deal with his behavior if it was to swing back into the other direction again. the only thing sad for me during that period was Dan Fogelberg died about a week after he did and seriously, his death affected me far more than the old man's did.
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#14 6ome 9irl

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 05:01 PM

My dad makes a lot of money and climbed to the top of his field, does good charitable things, never laid a hand on anyone, provides for our family, but even I will complain of abandonment. It's not very fun to get a check on your birthday but no birthday wish or call. I guess it's hard to do it all.

#15 Complain

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 05:04 PM

Lot of interesting stuff here. First of all, congratulations! If you still have bad feeelings, the easiest thing to do is to give him the opportunity to make peace. Invite him, call him, or write him. If he rejects that, screw him. You've done what you need to do to be at peace, or to restore any potential relationship. I say this as someone who didn't talk to or see my father face to face from Christmas of 1977 until the day he died in 2007. I made several attempts at contact through the years, then wrote it off. It wasn't my issue any more. If you've made the effort, and people reject it, there is nothing else you can (or need to) do. Don't let him or anyone else's stubbornness ruin what should be a day about you and your wife to be.

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#16 nobodies

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 05:30 PM

My dad makes a lot of money and climbed to the top of his field, does good charitable things, never laid a hand on anyone, provides for our family, but even I will complain of abandonment. It's not very fun to get a check on your birthday but no birthday wish or call.

I guess it's hard to do it all.


At least you get a check. I can't count the number of electric razors and bottles of cologne/after-shave I've received from my dad. I never wear after-shave or cologne, and who uses electric razors? That said, my dad's pretty good, but what frustrates me the most with him is that despite being very intelligent (Harvard Law grad), he's completely socially inept, retarded, and often selfish even when he think's he's being selfless.

My sisters and I have (probably wrongfully) diagnosed him with aspergers syndrome, and have taken to calling him "Ass Burger" behind his back.

#17 sKinnY

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 06:20 PM

First off...Thanks for the props on my upcoming nuptials. I'm in for a helluva ride as far as planning and stuff. also thanks for the advice. loads off good stuff here, I am trying to take it day by day. Most of the issues stemmed from a horrible problem with the sauce(him) that left him unable to take care of my Mom when she fell ill some years ago. I could handle him not wanting to talk to me or have a relationship due to his drinking. he basically lost his job, friends and ultimately his family. the straw was him not taking care of his wife, my mom because he'd rather self medicate. My brother and I had to basically take her from him so she could get the help she needed. At the same time try and help him with his issues, which nothin ever took. he's now supposedly free from the bottle so hopefully that will make things a bit easier. cheers once again gang. depending on how things go, i may give updates as things pro or di gress. har

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#18 zolacolby

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 06:26 PM

In my family, 2-3 years w/o talking is normal. So I can be of no help to you...
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#19 6ome 9irl

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 10:18 AM

My sisters and I have (probably wrongfully) diagnosed him with aspergers syndrome, and have taken to calling him "Ass Burger" behind his back.

Lol.

Yeah, my bro and sis and I are super close. Makes it not so bad. He's just rigid and doesn't give anyone enough attention.

#20 ericmaloney

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 03:47 PM

fuck him

Damo recommends you have sex with your old man and I think that's gross, even if you are half a fag. Damo, you're a sick mother fucker, bro!

let him have sex w/your fiance.

TJENZ is a very wise man. This gives you an out if you later decide to leave your wife ("you fucked my father, you dirty whore!"), it could also land you a sweet spot on one of those Jerry Springer type shows which could in turn land you a few grand for penning your tell-all in one of those magazines you buy at the checkout counter, and in the meantime you get all kinds of Swell Guy points. Even if you lose, you win.

It's not very fun to get a check on your birthday but no birthday wish or call.

6ome 9irl, let's trade fathers. I get a call but would prefer a check. Ah, the grass, it's always greener...

aspergers syndrome

nobodies, I might have that too. That's the condition where you eat those chewy green bean things and then your pee smells funny, right?

stop being such a pussy

Sayeth sincity, sayeth the lord.

Seriously... my brother had a similar decision 3 years ago, over inviting our mother to his wedding, without going into detail we were essentially estranged from her while also living 3,500 miles away. The decision was made to invite her and it was the right thing to do. I think if you invite him, you won't feel like a hero or anything, but if you don't, you may find yourself second-guessing it for the rest of your life. The heartfelt letter idea was a good one. I did that for my brother when we decided Ma should be invited to his wedding. The letter basically said, "we don't regret the lack of communication in recent years because you haven't given us reasons to want to communicate; but, you're our mother, we love you, your son is getting married and we'd all like you to share the occasion with us." We told her if she could get her own flight, we'd take care of everything else (lodging, ground transportation, meals). She came out and we don't regret it at all. It didn't change the course of our relationship with her, we generally don't talk to her still, but having her at the wedding was the right decision, not in a dog-and-pony-show way, but in a real way.
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