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#41 yeknom

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Posted 23 December 2008 - 03:24 PM

from today: NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team The Miami Dolphins have drafted NHL star Alexander Ovechkin, making his dream to play professional sports a reality.

#42 Sid Hartha

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 04:46 PM

At This Point In The Plan, The Mice Will Be Very Surprised

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By Ronald Jenkins
December 10, 2008 | Issue 44•50

They will be surprised, that much is certain. Every precaution has been taken to ensure it. The mice, they will not see it coming.

I have gone over the plan. Late at night, when the mice were scurrying and squeaking and nibbling, I sat in bed and went over the plan. Checking. Rechecking. Making sure that they would not expect it. That it would take their tiny little rodent brains by complete surprise. That it would guarantee victory—sweet, undeniable victory—over the mice.

Everything has been leading up to this.

The kitchen floor has been waxed. The wooden cabinet, once a safe refuge for the mice, has been rigged. The box of crackers is not a box of crackers at all. No, the box of crackers is something entirely different. Something not so innocent. Something not so benign. The mice, they will pay for their insolence. They will cry out for forgiveness. Their beady little eyes will fill with sorrow and regret. With remorse.

This is why I'll have the video camera there. To capture the remorse.

Some people might say that my plan isn't fair. They might look at the strobe lights, at the spring-loaded steel, at the decoy mouse—fashioned from old dishrags and spray- painted gray—and they might say that my plan goes too far. But then, they do not know what these mice are capable of. They were not there, horrified, when the little tyrants got into the cupboards. When they ate those crackers. My crackers.

Yes, there was a time when the mice had the upper hand. Not so long ago, before my wife, Teresa, stopped speaking to me, before my managers found my blueprints at work, before they said they were going to have to let me go—the mice had the upper hand then. But things are different now. Teresa has left, and in her absence, hundreds of diagrams have been produced. Every last thought worked out on paper. Every waking minute devoted to the great surprise.

Three blind mice. Three blind mice. See how they run. See how they all fucking run.

This is not the first plan, of course. There have been many. There was the plan with the hot wax and the wires. The plan with the firecrackers and the large feral cat. The plan, earlier this week, to get Teresa back, to convince her that the mice had not gotten the best of me, that they were not, in fact, "all I could think about." But each failed. And that, dear friends, is what separates those plans from this one. That and the sheer terror that will run through the mice when they see what I have in store for them.

When they see the mirrors. Carefully arranged to heighten the panic. Perfectly positioned to reflect the horror. The moment of terror duplicated a hundred times over in their surface. The moment of defeat surrounding the mice in each and every direction.†

This will be the moment, after months of anguish, when the mice will realize what their actions have wrought.

Now, there is a chance that my new plan could go awry. I hate to admit it, but yes, that is a possibility. For instance, the audio recording I have made of tiny mouse sounds—cheerful and upbeat mouse sounds, mouse sounds that seem to convey an air of normalcy and in which no sense of approaching danger can be detected—may fail to draw the wily rodents out of their hole. Also, there is a small chance that the bucket of rubber snakes—the mortal enemy of the mouse—will not drop from the kitchen ceiling as intended, will not paralyze the unsuspecting creatures with a mixture of fear and dread.

And, while I hate to give the theory any more credence, there is also the risk that I and not the mice ate those crackers. That I forgot I had eaten them the day before and that there are, in fact, no mice to speak of. That the mice, as some professionals have claimed, are nothing more than an elaborate justification on my part. An invisible rationalization, one intended to cast blame aside, and leave me a guiltless victim of the times.

Or, there's a chance that my therapist has been infiltrated by the mice and is now operating on their side. Yes, that's it. Dr. Bernard has been compromised.

#43 geoneb

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Posted 13 January 2009 - 08:45 PM

Has anyone noticed how the News In Brief section has repeatedly featured Bush undergoing horrible and torturous accidents. On their own, not that funny, but collectively:

Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall

Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone

Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm

Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase

There may be others that I missed.

This is the latest one. Notice that all the articles have the last sentence in common, which make them even funnier.
"You may just think I am a red Jew son-of-a-bitch, but I'm keeping Thomas Jefferson alive." -I.F. Stone 12/6 Wilco @ Auditorium Theatre

#44 WesterMats

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Posted 13 January 2009 - 10:25 PM

Has anyone noticed how the News In Brief section has repeatedly featured Bush undergoing horrible and torturous accidents. On their own, not that funny, but collectively:

Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall

Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone

Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm

Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase

There may be others that I missed.

This is the latest one. Notice that all the articles have the last sentence in common, which make them even funnier.

Bush reportedly suffered third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body, a broken spine, 20 shattered ribs, one collapsed lung, a basilar skull fracture, and minor leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. . . much of the plane's burning debris had already fused to his skeleton


"I forgot my one line, so I just said what I felt"
--Paul Westerberg

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#45 Ned Braden

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Posted 13 January 2009 - 10:36 PM

Very quality stuff. I pop boners on the hour just thinking about the onion's excellence.

Here's a fave: Life in the Navy Rocks Even Harder Than Commercial Implied

Also loved
Tee Pitches No-Hitter in Special Olympics game
Friends secretly think of each other as sidekick
Led Zeppelin Bumper Stickers Now Probable Cause for Search in 47 States
Every thing ever in, The Cruise, with Jim Anchower
1985 Bears Record Long-Awaited Follow Up to The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Onion = Proof of God

Oh, speaking of God, that one with Jesus making his return to the NBA was pretty stellar.
And Michael Vick: "I also ate kittens"
ign-presents-the-history-of-ninja-gaiden

#46 geoneb

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Posted 13 January 2009 - 10:51 PM

The editors are coming to my school next month!
"You may just think I am a red Jew son-of-a-bitch, but I'm keeping Thomas Jefferson alive." -I.F. Stone 12/6 Wilco @ Auditorium Theatre

#47 nobodies

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Posted 14 January 2009 - 12:11 PM

Has anyone noticed how the News In Brief section has repeatedly featured Bush undergoing horrible and torturous accidents. On their own, not that funny, but collectively:

Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall

Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone

Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm

Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase

There may be others that I missed.

This is the latest one. Notice that all the articles have the last sentence in common, which make them even funnier.

Bush reportedly suffered third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body, a broken spine, 20 shattered ribs, one collapsed lung, a basilar skull fracture, and minor leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. . . much of the plane's burning debris had already fused to his skeleton


And yet another one:

Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain

I hadn't noticed the last line before. Very funny.

#48 Vivian Darkbloom

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Posted 14 January 2009 - 12:26 PM

After these calamities, Bush is always "resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital." :lol:
The God of language forgives all crimes. -W.H. Auden ***** Anthony B, Independent, March 16 Black Mountain, Rickshaw Stop, March 20 Earthless, Wooden Shjips, Cafe du Nord, March 28 Mastodon, Kylesa, Intronaut, Great American Music Hall, April 19 Opeth, Enslaved, Regency Grand Ballroom, May 14 Sun Kil Moon, Great American Music Hall, May 29

#49 geoneb

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Posted 14 January 2009 - 11:49 PM

http://www.theonion....ica_needs_right

I Got What America Needs Right Here

By Jimmy Carter
January 9, 2008 | Issue 44•02


Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in '08? Fat fucking chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.

See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.

You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin' election. So you can just bite my cock. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.

You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.

But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.

Cocksuckers.

Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.

Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.

You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.

Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.

So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll do it. I'd be honored to do it—with my fucking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.

You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.
"You may just think I am a red Jew son-of-a-bitch, but I'm keeping Thomas Jefferson alive." -I.F. Stone 12/6 Wilco @ Auditorium Theatre

#50 ParticleHustler

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Posted 15 January 2009 - 08:34 AM

I know there have been funnier ones, but this one always makes me laugh:

Matchbox Twenty Finally Finishes Watering Down Long-Awaited New Album

http://www.theonion....tent/node/30719

#51 Sid Hartha

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Posted 15 January 2009 - 09:38 AM

I know there have been funnier ones, but this one always makes me laugh:

Matchbox Twenty Finally Finishes Watering Down Long-Awaited New Album

http://www.theonion....tent/node/30719

Yeah, I posted Beige in the Now Playing thread once - nobody seemed to take notice.

#52 tager

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Posted 15 January 2009 - 01:05 PM

Loved these headlines:

Fuck Not Given About Brother-In-Law's Promotion

Imagination Transforms Cardboard Tube Into Cardboard Tube For Watching Television Through

DreamWorks Hard At Work On Whichever Number 'Shrek' This Is

Grandma Shushed

#53 Ned Braden

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Posted 15 January 2009 - 01:16 PM

http://www.theonion....ica_needs_right

I Got What America Needs Right Here



Fantastic article. That's one of my faves as well.
ign-presents-the-history-of-ninja-gaiden

#54 dice

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Posted 15 January 2009 - 02:27 PM

http://www.theonion....ica_needs_right

I Got What America Needs Right Here

By Jimmy Carter
January 9, 2008 | Issue 44•02

...Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.

favorite line
http://www.kiva.org

make a difference
99% repayment!

#55 JohnnySuperstar

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Posted 15 January 2009 - 05:56 PM

http://www.theonion....tent/node/37406

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,
I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I don't know about?

—Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,
Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it / Face down while I punch your ticket / Ride my king cobra 'round the world / Wanna do ya girl / Want ya pettin' my big black cat / Blackberry jam don't shake like that / If your booty's extra-large, I'll bring the funk / Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,
I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

—Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,
Drop 'em and shake it, girl, ya won't break it / Leave enough for me to take it / Mix likes to get down and make it / When the girl is large and naked / Talkin' 'bout a booty with meat on the bones / Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones / Wanna hit your pleasure zone / Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot,
If you ask me, your response to "Torn In Tuscaloosa" was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesn't want to get off the couch and start working for a living, he's nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

—Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,
Who's afraid of my big bad weenie / Rub it and see if it's got a genie / Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini / Just like Houdini / M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin' / Wanna see yo' butt cheeks flappin' / Mix want the honeys with the big back doors / So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

Sir Mix-A-Lot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.

#56 crease

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Posted 15 January 2009 - 06:08 PM

i always got a big laugh out of 'clinton sends very special forces into iraq' (or some such), which told the story of an elite, all-retarded unit sent to take out the communication tower in basra. featured a classic line like 'captain says if we take out the communication tower we get a pizza party! pizza party! pizza party!'.

#57 nobodies

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 11:54 AM

Has anyone noticed how the News In Brief section has repeatedly featured Bush undergoing horrible and torturous accidents. On their own, not that funny, but collectively:

Bush's Eyelid Accidentally Nailed To Wall

Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks

Bush Passes Three-Pound Kidney Stone

Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm

Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase

There may be others that I missed.

This is the latest one. Notice that all the articles have the last sentence in common, which make them even funnier.

Bush reportedly suffered third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body, a broken spine, 20 shattered ribs, one collapsed lung, a basilar skull fracture, and minor leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. . . much of the plane's burning debris had already fused to his skeleton


And yet another one:

Spider Eggs Hatch In Bush's Brain

I hadn't noticed the last line before. Very funny.


And the capper:

Bush Dies Peacefully In His Sleep

#58 farawaysoclose

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Posted 21 January 2009 - 02:08 PM

If The Heat Doesn’t Kill The Elderly, I Will

It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck hardest among the elderly, dozens of whom have died of heatstroke, heat exhaustion and dehydration. If you, like me, are a right-thinking person, your mind recoils in horror at this fact: The old and decrepit are dying by mere dozens?

Fifty years ago, a heat wave of this magnitude and duration would have claimed the lives of hundreds, perhaps thousands of shriveled-up old codgers. The streets would have been littered with their withered carcasses. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. By providing today's elderly with unprecedented access to air conditioning and situating them in safe, supervised retirement communities, we have thrown Mother Nature's natural-selection process completely out of sync. And don't look for winter to solve the problem, either: Even more old people have heating than have air-conditioning, and more and more are getting it every day.

Like you, I had high hopes for this summer. Like you, I am deeply disappointed in the low death toll among the elderly. But I'm not just going to throw up my hands and accept the fact that grandmas and grandpas aren't bursting like popcorn from coast to coast. Just because global warming has failed to keep pace with the increase in this country's septuagenarian and octogenarian population doesn't mean I have to accept this ever-worsening coot surplus. If the heat doesn't kill the elderly, I will.

No society can survive for long unless patriots are willing to step forward and dedicate themselves to keeping its senior population in check. Unfortunately, like the milkman and the riverboat pilot, the profession of grayhead-knocker has fallen out of favor. But I am committed to reviving this once-noble calling. I will do whatever it takes to knock off the olds in the swiftest and most efficient manner possible, just like my father and my grandfather before him.

For the cost of expenses plus a modest cost-of-living stipend, I will use the computer database of the AARP, certain advanced logistical procedures adopted from the rendering-plant industry, and modern American riding-mower technology–the very best in the world–to make quick work of our country's problematic gray ghetto. My preliminary computer-modeling simulations have shown that this will be cheaper than an orbital solar-intensification magnifying glass or increasing the thermonuclear output of the sun itself.

Mother Nature has done what she can to curb the elderly population. It is now up to us to pick up the slack. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. My grandmother taught me that, God rest her soul.

#59 geoneb

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Posted 14 February 2009 - 12:56 AM

So Seth and Joe were at my school last night, and I asked them if Sir-Mix-A-Lot's column was coming back (they were amazed that I knew about it) and if they were going to eat here while in Rochester (turns out that the article was written by a U of R alumnus).

They did a dramatic reading of the "Fuck Everything, We're doing Five Blades" Op-ed, as well as the moon landing article. In sum, it was a night of comedy gold.
"You may just think I am a red Jew son-of-a-bitch, but I'm keeping Thomas Jefferson alive." -I.F. Stone 12/6 Wilco @ Auditorium Theatre

#60 geoneb

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Posted 14 February 2009 - 12:59 AM

http://www.theonion....t_gov_palin_has
"You may just think I am a red Jew son-of-a-bitch, but I'm keeping Thomas Jefferson alive." -I.F. Stone 12/6 Wilco @ Auditorium Theatre