First of all, thank you to everyone who said they missed me in the M.I.A. thread. I missed you too.

My friends, I come to you a changed man. I've been purged of the demons that haunted my prior boarding, and I will do the same for you. Blessed with a benevolence in spirit and temperament, I am here to heal the Somb.

Tell my what ails you, and I will make it better. Air your grievances, and I will bring you peace.

your pal,
Waylon

Real Guest to thread in 3...2...1...

Bob Loblaw, you feel as though the SOMB has become stale and predictable. At times this predictability is comforting: it is natural, even necessary to embrace the structure of a familiar routine. However, we must recognize that surprises are an important part of life. We must all embrace change but at the same time cling to the good things that we can rely on.

The Real Guest is a long-time member of the SOMB community. Like all SOMBies, old and new, The Real Guest is welcome at my table.

FUCK YO MOTHERFUCKING TABLE BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, I'm a long time supporter of TRG. He posts just enough imo, not too much to make the schtick tired and go the way of Red Lobster.

Waylon: When did you start writing like Nick?

i'm tired and my stomach hurts.

I'm glad to have helped you make peace with The Real Guest, Bob Loblaw.


The Real Guest, you are a SOMBie -- or perhaps several SOMBies -- who is filled with fear and anger, but you're afraid to express these emotions in public. So you have chosen to do so behind the mask of The Real Guest. Many people would object to this tactic as cowardly, but I believe it is Good. In creating this character, this Real Guest, you have channeled some profoundly negative feelings into a positive outlet. To those who truly understand The Real Guest, your outbursts bring the joy of laughter. I speak from experience, as my foibles have been the target of your vitriol on several occasions, and I believe I'm better for it.

This thread is turning into a love-fest like Slackmo's Valentine's Day thread. This was not my intention, but I am happy to oblige if no one is willing to air their grievances.

It grieves me that you write like Nick.

Waylon, can you help me reconcile the inner conflict I have between my LOPP persona and my SOMB persona? A Loblaw divided cannot stand.

Brainstorm, you are a person who is in constant need of attention. Although you prefer positive attention, you are willing to settle for negative attention when you can get it. And because your desire for attention is more powerful than your desire to be liked, you have become adept at the type of behavior that guarantees that people cannot ignore you. To that end, you enjoy playing both the villain and the victim, picking fights and then allowing yourself to be attacked. I can't break this cycle for you, but I can make sure that I am not a contributor to it. To that end, you have some very valuable insights to offer the SOMB, but you must recognize that you can't always do it on your own terms. Please recognize that people don't need to respond to you to acknowledge you, and that sometimes your contributions will go unremarked upon, but not unnoticed.

I acknowledge your belief that I am aping Nick. I can't disabuse you of this belief, so I won't try. I'm Waylon, and I can only be Waylon, whatever flaws he may have.

Elco, take the rest of the day off. Put on your pajamas, and have some home made soup. Preferably chicken noodle, or Matzoh ball. Drink plenty of fluids, like tea and juice. And get some rest.

No, it's definitely you - Nick would've worked a gay joke in there, somehow.

I apologize for ever doubting you.

This thread has more upside than Kevin Durant.

Loblaw, it's an inherent part of the human condition to feel as though you have no true persona. It's the same irl as on the web. I am sure work Loblaw is different from home Loblaw, just as you may feel different with your family then with your friends. You must recognize that different social situations call for a different demeanor, and that it is only right and natural to act differently in order to conform. You must ask yourself: Who is the real Bob Loblaw? What are the core traits and beliefs that make Bob Loblaw who he is? When you recognize what is too important to compromise, and work hard to preserve that, your struggle over society's demands will soon become much easier.

Waylon: you are a man among men.

I finally feel at peace. Thank you, brother Waylon.

Waylon:

I feel my attempts to bring logic and common sense back to the board, while seemingly appreciated on LOPP, are falling on deaf ears here on SOMB. Have I become part of the laughable schism cycle of "__________ or other LOPPer post triggers Brainstorm/Montana/others to over-react" merely by offering what I hope to be a balanced view on the situation? Should I just keep my SOMB boarding to the WWE and metal threads, like I did for months because I couldn't engage with the board elsewise?

Waylon:

I'm uncomfortable with my board identity of late. Early shrill backlash against LOPP has earned me unfortunate associations with Aggie, Elco and other doctrinaire oldsters, when the truth of my position is a little more nuanced. Yes, like Jess and Rob, I was hurt to think that posters I love and respect were saving their hard boarding for the exclusive gated community of LOPP, but hey, I like to think of myself as more on the Diesel side of the spectrum than anything else. Now that I'm battling ___________ for rap supremacy, I find myself again openly railing against sophomoric high school bullying and "meta" boarding while secretly, I like poop humor as much as the next post-adolescent. How can I rehabilitate my SOMB identity so as not to be perceived as an oldster whiner while not selling out with sycophantic and pathetic attempts to "fit in" by begging admission of the cool kids?

If Waylon nails those two answers back-to-back it's going to be a sight to behold.

Waylon:

I have been asked by you, via PM, on the behalf of another SOMBie, if I am The Real Guest, what should I respond?

Diesel, I appreciate this question just as I understand your frustration. For all of their positive qualities, the one glaring fault of the SOMB is a lack of self-awareness. Many people simply refuse to recognize that the "LOPP schism" is a symptom, and not the cause, of the SOMB's woes. Everyone is quick to point the finger of blame, but very few are willing to look in the mirror while assigning the said blame.

I've personally found your level-headedness, and, for lack of a better word, general truthiness to be an inspiration in the past few weeks. Your path is not an easy one, but I believe you are a person with both the integrity and backbone to walk it.

Regarding your dilemma: if you retreat to the WWE and metal threads, you will be doing a great disservice to this board. For one thing, I never click on those threads. If you continue to post in LOPP-related threads in order to point out the absurdity of SOMBies who exacerbate their own problems, you will be feeding the cycle. However, I believe Diesel has more to give this board than just his thoughts on metal and wrestling -- not to belittle those areas of your interest. Perhaps there is a compromise whereby you can set an example for other posters without commenting on the schism. I've found with children that positive reinforcement is a more powerful means of behavior modification than scolding. The same tactic might apply to SOMBies.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE REAL ELCO

SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHOLE!

90 days of that.

Vivian Darkbloom,

I think the issue here is deeper than you are describing. My impression of your initial reaction to LOPP (after the curtain went down) was not born of an intolerance for internet hijinks, but rather a disappointment in not being invited to the party. This is a perfectly natural reaction, and in many ways, I am sure the other "anti-LOPPers" felt the same way. However, your situation is a little different. You are a professional, with a wife and certain responsibilities that the younger posters do not contend with. At the same time, you are not ready to be perceived as an "oldster."

Viv, you are not an oldster. But you are not a "cool kid" either. You are Vivian Darkbloom. When you think about it, you are in an enviable position -- you represent a middle ground here that, while perhaps not capable of bringing peace to these extremes, can certainly feel comfortable with either of them. I recommend that you stop looking for approval from either "side" but instead to be true to yourself. You will find that there is a place for you.

b17yoe,

You should respond honestly, and you should feel terrible for breaking the sacred anonymity of "Ask a Sombie."

But know this: I forgive you.

Waylon should consider a career as avuncular syndicated columnist.



I AM VIVIAN DARKBLOOM

Good to see you back.
Me, sure I've got my woes and expounded upon my health one's last evening. I'll keep my ever positive attitude and wait until tests and doctors can tell me what the problem and solution is.

Plus, I'm going to see Devo and The Black Keys in their hometown in support of Obama...with my son tonight! Life continues to be very good indeed. Despite this tingling in my hand right now.

Waylon, How can I abstain from being mean to Elco for his last two days worth of posts? I don't want to hurt him. I know his heart is in the right place.

Rob Gordon,

Good to see you keeping a positive attitude, and continuing to enjoy music and family, true sources of joy in this life.

I am sure the tingling will turn out to be something you are capable of handling. My thoughts are with you.

Dear Waylon,

What should I do?

T

Some Girl,

You must remember that Elco's grouchiness, although often directed at you, is not caused by you. Elco is clearly an individual who is prone to frequent angry outbursts, and rather than address this issue head on he prefers to "act out" online, by derailing threads or belittling other posters. When you recognize that this problem is Elco's, and not yours, you will find it easier to take the high road and avoid becoming a target for his misplaced anger.

TJENZ,

You must recognize that the question is not "What should I do?" but rather "Whether I should do?"

And the answer is "Yes, of course I should."

That /\ is some Mr. Miyagi level stuff right there

bye

SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE!!!

Waylon,

I don't have an interesting question to ask you, but I'd like to play too. Should I bother posting at all?

Duff.,

If you search deep within yourself, you will find the answer is already there.

Waylon, will Brian Sadowski ever find genuine acceptance and true happiness?

Waylon, Should I eat these 12 pieces of bacon for lunch even though bacon is not good for me? But I love bacon.

Loblaw,

I noticed that yesterday was Brian Sadowski's birthday. I don't know much about Brian Sadowski, but I do know this: he is a man who is pursuing his dreams, despite not having the means to do so, talent-wise. In a way I admire him for it. Existentially, isn't that the epitome of true happiness?

Some Girl,

Sometimes doing what you love is the very best thing for you. I suggest you use that bacon to make a couple of BLTs. In so doing, you will make the meal more substantial. I also suggest you split the bacon with me. In so doing you will find that there is a greater pleasure to be found in sharing something you love than in keeping it to yourself.

Hi Waylon,

Is the state of indie music in as miserable of condition as the music side of the SOMB seems to indicate?

Hi Waylon,

Long time listener, first time caller. Do you believe in karma? The reason I ask is that I currently work in a career that allows my family to live fairly comfortably, but is in no way related to what I really want to be doing. Will I be rewarded for this later, or should I just say "screw it" and get them on board with supporting my dreams?

I'll hang up and listen.

Hi Helmet52,

Yes. Perhaps worse, if only because the music side of SOMB continues to benefit from the tireless efforts of MitchellStirling.

I did make a BLT. Not only do you give great advice, you're psychic! I will set aside 6 pieces for you. They will rot before you get here, but I will have done something good.

Waylon, I do not believe that I doubted that Some Girl was running her account because of a lack of intelligence as she has stated. Why did I doubt that she was running her account?

Complain,

I do not believe in karma. You will not be rewarded in the future for foregoing your dreams. You must recognize that having the means to provide your family with a comfortable lifestyle is your reward. If you believe the enjoyment from another career would give you greater pleasure, you should pursue this other path.

I didn't think of this. Give the bacon to someone else, but pretend you gave it to me. There is nothing worse than wasted bacon.