Full Version: American Idol 2009
I sense a "moment" coming. But am I the only one that thinks that her boyfriend is probably a loser? I'm no fashion-cop, but with her sort of celeb status, is it asking too much for him to leave his sweat pants and t-shirts at home, just for one night?
I'll pretend that she is singing the song about someone who does not wear American Flag pants.
American Idol – Top 3 – 5/18/10
Ryan comes down the stairs, stopping at each Idol and announcing their hometown. Crystal is from Androgyny, Ohio, Lee from No Prospects, Illinois, and Casey is from East Nowhere, Texas. The Top 3 tell us THIS is American Idol. Colin Hanks gets some face time, since he’s on some new horrible looking Fox show. Wonder what show Peter Scolari’s kid will end up on? The judges – forget it, I don’t care any more what they’re wearing – suffice it to say nothing has changed.
Enter your top 3. Each will sing twice, performing a song of their own choosing, and one selected by the judges.
Casey opens the show with an obscure song called “OK, It’s Alright With Me” by Eric Hutchinson. He starts out with the acoustic, and the song is kind of a wannabe southern blues rock song. He’s OK vocally, but there is nothing to this. He’s not compelling at all, doesn’t stretch vocally, doesn’t do anything other than stand there and sing…and NO ONE knows this song. It’s like when a hitter comes up to bat with men on base late in a game. A hit will win it, but instead the batter pops up to the shortstop. The crowd politely claps because he TRIED to do his job, but he ultimately failed. Randy agrees: “Song was just kinda alright…I wanted to hear something new, different…didn’t quite work for me…was safe.” Ellen says that tonight is “live or die, or do or die, or only the good die young” or something like that, and she “felt the same way, it was alright, but you needed to blow us away.” Kara admonishes his song choice: “Hard when you pick a song no one knows, you can’t take it to the next level or make it your own.” Simon is done with Casey: “The problem is, tonight is arguably the most important night of your life, and this was like a salad before dinner…you know something better is to come…a dud for a song choice, but you sounded good.” Bottom line – Casey needed something in the Marc Broussard/Ryan Bingham mode tonight, and this was just way too bland. Start packing.
Crystal cites “passion and love” as her reason for picking Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to My Window”. I wonder just how much of her fan base is lesbian…you’ve got to think it’s fairly high. Despite what seems like an obvious choice, she rearranges the song somewhat, while playing harmonica and guitar. I really want Crystal to do an old Indigo Girls song at some point. She does about what you would expect from her with the song, although the original arrangement would have suited her better. Randy was “looking for a moment, and didn’t love the arrangement. Loved your vocal…it all worked in the end.” Ellen is wondering how she can get Crystal to spend a night with her and Portia, and mentions the “good song choice…your comfort zone…Melissa would be proud.” Kara thinks Crystal “got lost a little in the arrangement…didn’t have that tone and rasp needed…you’re capable of that ‘moment’, and you didn’t have it.” Simon “agree(s) with the other 3…not the most stunning performance, but what I like is that from day one you haven’t compromised yourself as an artist.” Funny, that’s what got Siobhan sent home. Crystal is still comfortably ahead of Casey.
Lee gets interview time. Seacrest says he’s been different since his home visit. Lee responds that he tried to bring their energy back with him. He’s doing Lynryd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man”, which seems appropriate in more ways than I care to explain. (Side note: didn’t Bo Bice do this song?) Acoustic guitar, nu metal meets 70’s southern rock vocals, and as much as I think it’s just OK, the audience is going to go crazy for this…so will the judges. Randy “could see you making that kind of record! What I like is that you’re starting to act like someone who thinks he can win it!” Ellen is “so proud of you…when we met, you were a baby lamb…now you’re like a gazelle or impala or something springy.” Kara credits him: “What you did is what every contestant needs to do…you showed everything you’ve got, dynamic…round one goes to Lee!” Simon asks why he chose the song. Lee says he’s happy playing it, and felt connected. Cowell: “Contestant choice so far is OK, but that one was absolutely on the money. I don’t think you won round one, but you crushed the other two.”
Casey goes home, and Idol shamelessly promotes AT&T. Randy and Kara have chosen John Mayer’s “Daughters” for him. Randy claims this is the right direction for Casey, commercial singer/songwriter guitar songs. Kara says he need to show his vulnerable side, since his audience is women and young girls.
The performance is Casey on electric guitar, attempting to do a soundalike version of the original, which has no highs or lows, just MOR soccer mom rock. Once again, no star power emerges. It’s as karaoke as it gets, and he does nothing to change it. At this point, Crystal could sing “Rubber Ducky” from Sesame Street and beat Casey. Randy defends his choice: “This fit you like a glove.” Ellen “liked that, beautiful…lots of daughters and mothers voting for you.” Kara says he “showed more artistic side, where you shine…did a good job.” Simon realizes what I do: the judges did Casey no favors tonight. “Much better choice than the first one…bit of a lazy arrangement, the climax is a limp guitar solo. These two should have given you a bigger vocal moment. You sounded good, but it didn’t have that ‘wow’ factor.” Kara and Randy try to stick up for their selection, but Simon is right as usual. Mighty Casey has struck out.
Crystal goes home, and gets the call from Ellen: “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney. Ellen says she loves the song, and wanted to surprise people. Crystal starts out seated on the stairs, and is without her guitar. There’s a bit of a disconnect, as the song refers to a “man” about fifty times, but she does a decent job with it. She hits a few big notes, but it’s still not the moment everyone is seeking from her. The judges sound scripted on this one. Randy: “Great song, great vocals…in it to win it.” Ellen: “Couldn’t have asked for more.” Kara: “Didn’t change it much, but it showed more of your voice than we’ve heard before…risk paid off.” Simon: “I was kind of surprised by the song choice, but now I get it. It proved you’ve got soul…you may be thanking Ellen next week for putting you in the final.” Um…I’d give Casey the credit for flopping more than I would this performance, but Crystal’s been anointed since her first audition.
Lee gets the word from Simon while on a plane: Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” Not sure how I feel about this…I liked Castro’s version, and Kris Allen’s as well. I think Lee’s lack of range may hinder the impact he will be looking for on the song. Acoustic again, and the gospel choir helps immensely. He loses the pitch on the high notes, but he gives it everything he has. Bottom line: this was just OK, regardless of how hard he tried. Prediction: No one in this audience or on the judges’ panel will agree with me. Randy has “been waiting all season to see who throws down the gauntlet…your biggest moment at the biggest time…Unbelievable!” Lee momentarily tears up, and thanks Simon. Ellen is “sure glad you listened…that was stunning.” Kara proclaims that “this is what this show is all about…incredible epic moment…just owned the entire night.” Simon is “very very proud of you…show gives you a break…tonight, you proved you are a fantastic singer and a great person…I really hope you make it here next week.” Lee kind of babbles about the “moment” and his support.
Bottom line? Lee vs. Crystal next week. The judges are trying to pump up the Lee factor, but I still think Crystal wins going away. Her “moment” will be next week, and Lee will be Bo Bice, the sequel.
Tomorrow night: Results, home visits, tons of filler, and an episode of Leave It To Bieber.
Ryan comes down the stairs, stopping at each Idol and announcing their hometown. Crystal is from Androgyny, Ohio, Lee from No Prospects, Illinois, and Casey is from East Nowhere, Texas. The Top 3 tell us THIS is American Idol. Colin Hanks gets some face time, since he’s on some new horrible looking Fox show. Wonder what show Peter Scolari’s kid will end up on? The judges – forget it, I don’t care any more what they’re wearing – suffice it to say nothing has changed.
Enter your top 3. Each will sing twice, performing a song of their own choosing, and one selected by the judges.
Casey opens the show with an obscure song called “OK, It’s Alright With Me” by Eric Hutchinson. He starts out with the acoustic, and the song is kind of a wannabe southern blues rock song. He’s OK vocally, but there is nothing to this. He’s not compelling at all, doesn’t stretch vocally, doesn’t do anything other than stand there and sing…and NO ONE knows this song. It’s like when a hitter comes up to bat with men on base late in a game. A hit will win it, but instead the batter pops up to the shortstop. The crowd politely claps because he TRIED to do his job, but he ultimately failed. Randy agrees: “Song was just kinda alright…I wanted to hear something new, different…didn’t quite work for me…was safe.” Ellen says that tonight is “live or die, or do or die, or only the good die young” or something like that, and she “felt the same way, it was alright, but you needed to blow us away.” Kara admonishes his song choice: “Hard when you pick a song no one knows, you can’t take it to the next level or make it your own.” Simon is done with Casey: “The problem is, tonight is arguably the most important night of your life, and this was like a salad before dinner…you know something better is to come…a dud for a song choice, but you sounded good.” Bottom line – Casey needed something in the Marc Broussard/Ryan Bingham mode tonight, and this was just way too bland. Start packing.
Crystal cites “passion and love” as her reason for picking Melissa Etheridge’s “Come to My Window”. I wonder just how much of her fan base is lesbian…you’ve got to think it’s fairly high. Despite what seems like an obvious choice, she rearranges the song somewhat, while playing harmonica and guitar. I really want Crystal to do an old Indigo Girls song at some point. She does about what you would expect from her with the song, although the original arrangement would have suited her better. Randy was “looking for a moment, and didn’t love the arrangement. Loved your vocal…it all worked in the end.” Ellen is wondering how she can get Crystal to spend a night with her and Portia, and mentions the “good song choice…your comfort zone…Melissa would be proud.” Kara thinks Crystal “got lost a little in the arrangement…didn’t have that tone and rasp needed…you’re capable of that ‘moment’, and you didn’t have it.” Simon “agree(s) with the other 3…not the most stunning performance, but what I like is that from day one you haven’t compromised yourself as an artist.” Funny, that’s what got Siobhan sent home. Crystal is still comfortably ahead of Casey.
Lee gets interview time. Seacrest says he’s been different since his home visit. Lee responds that he tried to bring their energy back with him. He’s doing Lynryd Skynyrd’s “Simple Man”, which seems appropriate in more ways than I care to explain. (Side note: didn’t Bo Bice do this song?) Acoustic guitar, nu metal meets 70’s southern rock vocals, and as much as I think it’s just OK, the audience is going to go crazy for this…so will the judges. Randy “could see you making that kind of record! What I like is that you’re starting to act like someone who thinks he can win it!” Ellen is “so proud of you…when we met, you were a baby lamb…now you’re like a gazelle or impala or something springy.” Kara credits him: “What you did is what every contestant needs to do…you showed everything you’ve got, dynamic…round one goes to Lee!” Simon asks why he chose the song. Lee says he’s happy playing it, and felt connected. Cowell: “Contestant choice so far is OK, but that one was absolutely on the money. I don’t think you won round one, but you crushed the other two.”
Casey goes home, and Idol shamelessly promotes AT&T. Randy and Kara have chosen John Mayer’s “Daughters” for him. Randy claims this is the right direction for Casey, commercial singer/songwriter guitar songs. Kara says he need to show his vulnerable side, since his audience is women and young girls.
The performance is Casey on electric guitar, attempting to do a soundalike version of the original, which has no highs or lows, just MOR soccer mom rock. Once again, no star power emerges. It’s as karaoke as it gets, and he does nothing to change it. At this point, Crystal could sing “Rubber Ducky” from Sesame Street and beat Casey. Randy defends his choice: “This fit you like a glove.” Ellen “liked that, beautiful…lots of daughters and mothers voting for you.” Kara says he “showed more artistic side, where you shine…did a good job.” Simon realizes what I do: the judges did Casey no favors tonight. “Much better choice than the first one…bit of a lazy arrangement, the climax is a limp guitar solo. These two should have given you a bigger vocal moment. You sounded good, but it didn’t have that ‘wow’ factor.” Kara and Randy try to stick up for their selection, but Simon is right as usual. Mighty Casey has struck out.
Crystal goes home, and gets the call from Ellen: “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney. Ellen says she loves the song, and wanted to surprise people. Crystal starts out seated on the stairs, and is without her guitar. There’s a bit of a disconnect, as the song refers to a “man” about fifty times, but she does a decent job with it. She hits a few big notes, but it’s still not the moment everyone is seeking from her. The judges sound scripted on this one. Randy: “Great song, great vocals…in it to win it.” Ellen: “Couldn’t have asked for more.” Kara: “Didn’t change it much, but it showed more of your voice than we’ve heard before…risk paid off.” Simon: “I was kind of surprised by the song choice, but now I get it. It proved you’ve got soul…you may be thanking Ellen next week for putting you in the final.” Um…I’d give Casey the credit for flopping more than I would this performance, but Crystal’s been anointed since her first audition.
Lee gets the word from Simon while on a plane: Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.” Not sure how I feel about this…I liked Castro’s version, and Kris Allen’s as well. I think Lee’s lack of range may hinder the impact he will be looking for on the song. Acoustic again, and the gospel choir helps immensely. He loses the pitch on the high notes, but he gives it everything he has. Bottom line: this was just OK, regardless of how hard he tried. Prediction: No one in this audience or on the judges’ panel will agree with me. Randy has “been waiting all season to see who throws down the gauntlet…your biggest moment at the biggest time…Unbelievable!” Lee momentarily tears up, and thanks Simon. Ellen is “sure glad you listened…that was stunning.” Kara proclaims that “this is what this show is all about…incredible epic moment…just owned the entire night.” Simon is “very very proud of you…show gives you a break…tonight, you proved you are a fantastic singer and a great person…I really hope you make it here next week.” Lee kind of babbles about the “moment” and his support.
Bottom line? Lee vs. Crystal next week. The judges are trying to pump up the Lee factor, but I still think Crystal wins going away. Her “moment” will be next week, and Lee will be Bo Bice, the sequel.
Tomorrow night: Results, home visits, tons of filler, and an episode of Leave It To Bieber.
Lee actually makes me love David Cook and I HATED that guy. Lee is beyond boring and has no stage presence whatsoever. His version of Hallelujah like all of the others on Idol took away the beauty of that song and turned it into crap. If he wins Soccer Moms everywhere will have more shit Mix type muzak to enjoy and that sucks.
Complain have I said thanks for the recaps this season? If not let me just say you rock for doing them. *raises glass* CHEERS! 
American Idol Results Show – 5/19/10
Ryan enters. Justin B-AAAAAAAAAAAH! Travis Garland? 47 million voted. Every judge but Simon in white, and Ellen has a tie. Enter top 3. Audience shot of the fallen Idols.
Interview time on the couches. Casey says it’s surreal, and he got much farther than expected. Crystal says no one outside the Idol circle has any idea how hard they have to work. Lee says the adversity made him a better person, that he found out things about himself he didn’t know (that you’re boring and have no interview skills? We can only hope…). Crystal agrees with Lee. Casey claims he never pictured himself winning (good thing!), and didn’t expect to be sitting here now. Crystal HAS thought about it, and Lee now wants to win. All three agree you can’t balance “real life” with being on the show.
Randy comments on the contestants. Lee has blossomed, found his center. Crystal as well. Casey had it tougher, with the legacy of Stevie Ray Vaughn and all. (Anyone else think Randy couldn’t name another artist from Texas if he had to?) Also it should be noted that rumor has it Casey was going to perform a SRV song last night, and the producers nixed it. Crystal and Lee thank the judges for their critique. Casey gets somewhat real: “Not all of their comments were useful.” I get it, dude, but let’s face facts: taking off your shirt was the best career move since Phoebe Cates took off hers.
Shameless promotional ad this week is “Wild One (Real Wild Child)”…something about spray painting and animated effects. I’ve stopped paying attention.
Home visits! Casey goes back to the city that is an oxymoron: Cool, Texas. Fox appearance, where he reveals he has no girlfriend. Family, high school. Autographs a dog. A horse’s rear end with “Simon” duct taped on it. Hospital visit to the doctors that treated him after an accident six years ago. Sings for the hometown fans.
Back in the studio, another shot of the losers. Tour plug. Perez Hilton “discovered” Travis Garland on youtube? This is gonna suuuuuuuuuck. He calls Ryan “Simon”. Can we all just agree that Perez is at 14 minutes and ticking? Please?
How to describe Travis Garland? Picture a young Jeremy Piven with hair, backed by a bunch of dancers, a drum machine, the cast of “Stomp”, and autotuned beyond recognition. Oh, the song is called “Believe”, and despite the autotune, it’s not a Cher cover.
Crystal goes home to Elliston (Toledo), Ohio. TV appearance. Signs a gay man’s chest. Teases the fans by popping out the limo roof. Key to the city. Home with family. “Bowerstock”. First pitch at a Mudhens game (good arm, btw). Sings her own song “Holy Toledo”, and gets emotional.
Lee goes to Chicago. Morning show. Screaming preteens. Cubs game (another good arm). Elementary school (did he not finish high school? Hmmm…) . Paint store. Tears. Parents. Sings “The Boxer” for his fans. Shows some class in thanking them for supporting him. Back in studio, does the same with his parents.
David Archuleta Aaron Kelly Some 13-year-old boy comes on stage and sings a medley of “You Smile” and “Baby”. If he ever hits puberty, we’ll found out if he can actually sing. Whoever he is, he’s dressed like Fonzie’s nephew on “Happy Days”. He finishes with a drum solo, and I’m mystified that anyone over the age of 12 likes this or knows the lyrics to these songs.
Results at last. Recap of last night. The first person to be a finalist is…Lee. And joining him is…Crystal. Not that anyone ever believed it would be different. I told you this eight weeks ago. Crystal exclaims “I’m safe? I’m safe?” False modesty?
Casey is going home, to the surprise of no one. He sings “Daughters” again, working the judges and the crowd. Scoops up his niece (?) and finishes the song with her on his lap. Highlight reel rolls.
Next week: Simon’s last episode. Crystal wins, unless the fix is truly in.
Ryan enters. Justin B-AAAAAAAAAAAH! Travis Garland? 47 million voted. Every judge but Simon in white, and Ellen has a tie. Enter top 3. Audience shot of the fallen Idols.
Interview time on the couches. Casey says it’s surreal, and he got much farther than expected. Crystal says no one outside the Idol circle has any idea how hard they have to work. Lee says the adversity made him a better person, that he found out things about himself he didn’t know (that you’re boring and have no interview skills? We can only hope…). Crystal agrees with Lee. Casey claims he never pictured himself winning (good thing!), and didn’t expect to be sitting here now. Crystal HAS thought about it, and Lee now wants to win. All three agree you can’t balance “real life” with being on the show.
Randy comments on the contestants. Lee has blossomed, found his center. Crystal as well. Casey had it tougher, with the legacy of Stevie Ray Vaughn and all. (Anyone else think Randy couldn’t name another artist from Texas if he had to?) Also it should be noted that rumor has it Casey was going to perform a SRV song last night, and the producers nixed it. Crystal and Lee thank the judges for their critique. Casey gets somewhat real: “Not all of their comments were useful.” I get it, dude, but let’s face facts: taking off your shirt was the best career move since Phoebe Cates took off hers.
Shameless promotional ad this week is “Wild One (Real Wild Child)”…something about spray painting and animated effects. I’ve stopped paying attention.
Home visits! Casey goes back to the city that is an oxymoron: Cool, Texas. Fox appearance, where he reveals he has no girlfriend. Family, high school. Autographs a dog. A horse’s rear end with “Simon” duct taped on it. Hospital visit to the doctors that treated him after an accident six years ago. Sings for the hometown fans.
Back in the studio, another shot of the losers. Tour plug. Perez Hilton “discovered” Travis Garland on youtube? This is gonna suuuuuuuuuck. He calls Ryan “Simon”. Can we all just agree that Perez is at 14 minutes and ticking? Please?
How to describe Travis Garland? Picture a young Jeremy Piven with hair, backed by a bunch of dancers, a drum machine, the cast of “Stomp”, and autotuned beyond recognition. Oh, the song is called “Believe”, and despite the autotune, it’s not a Cher cover.
Crystal goes home to Elliston (Toledo), Ohio. TV appearance. Signs a gay man’s chest. Teases the fans by popping out the limo roof. Key to the city. Home with family. “Bowerstock”. First pitch at a Mudhens game (good arm, btw). Sings her own song “Holy Toledo”, and gets emotional.
Lee goes to Chicago. Morning show. Screaming preteens. Cubs game (another good arm). Elementary school (did he not finish high school? Hmmm…) . Paint store. Tears. Parents. Sings “The Boxer” for his fans. Shows some class in thanking them for supporting him. Back in studio, does the same with his parents.
David Archuleta Aaron Kelly Some 13-year-old boy comes on stage and sings a medley of “You Smile” and “Baby”. If he ever hits puberty, we’ll found out if he can actually sing. Whoever he is, he’s dressed like Fonzie’s nephew on “Happy Days”. He finishes with a drum solo, and I’m mystified that anyone over the age of 12 likes this or knows the lyrics to these songs.
Results at last. Recap of last night. The first person to be a finalist is…Lee. And joining him is…Crystal. Not that anyone ever believed it would be different. I told you this eight weeks ago. Crystal exclaims “I’m safe? I’m safe?” False modesty?
Casey is going home, to the surprise of no one. He sings “Daughters” again, working the judges and the crowd. Scoops up his niece (?) and finishes the song with her on his lap. Highlight reel rolls.
Next week: Simon’s last episode. Crystal wins, unless the fix is truly in.
QUOTE (musicgurl @ May 19 2010, 05:03 PM) 
Complain have I said thanks for the recaps this season? If not let me just say you rock for doing them. *raises glass* CHEERS!
Thanks! I've had to talk myself into it a few times this year.
American Idol – The Finals – 5/25/10
The introduction is a redux of photos of those who auditioned this year. Flashbacks of Lee and Crystal from the season. The Nokia Theatre, which seats 7000. Both singers started out at the Chicago auditions, and both are 24 years old.
Randy has a weird layered look – Red pimp coat over 80’s paisley over plain white T…it looks like Prince threw up on Huggy Bear. With those glasses, he looks like he should be managing McDowell’s in “Coming to America” as it is, but come on. Ellen in a dark suit, Kara in black with a Paula Abdul neckline, and Simon in a jacket over a white unbutton-down.
Enter the top two through the audience. Crystal drops a microphone, stops, starts, and gets confused. Nerves finally kicking in? Crystal is dressed as a folkie Native American, and Lee is in a suit sans tie. Each will sing three songs: one of their own choosing, one chosen by producer Simon Fuller, and one that will be “their single” if they win. Will they let Crystal do one of her own songs? I’m guessing that could happen tomorrow night, but not for the finals. Crystal won the coin toss and is going second.
Lee wanted to be a pro baseball player as a kid. Yeah, me too, but I peaked in Little League. He’s doing “The Boxer” again, which I think is a bad choice…it skews old, and it honestly wasn’t his best performance during the season. The verses don’t go very well, as he’s off pitch again. The chorus fares better, but anyone can sing “la la la” on key. The camera angles, showing a mouthful of spittle, don’t help either. Randy: “great way to start things off…not sure it was real energetic or exciting, but it sounded nice…pick it up!” Ellen: “I couldn’t be prouder if I had birthed you myself…did it better than the first time.” (I’m just going to let both of these comments go.) Kara: “Kinda agree with Randy…punch harder…loved that you were connected to it.” Simon: “This is the big one…I expect a lot more passion…was like a kiss on the cheek when I want a kiss on the lips.” I bet Seacrest will kill himself not to comment on that. Lee is happy, smiling, but he came up short. 6/10.
Crystal has been playing guitar since she found her mother’s instrument when she was 10, and played some very early coffeehouse gigs. She’s reprising “Me and Bobby McGee”, which is OK, but she should re-do “People Get Ready”, in my opinion. Immediately, she’s better than Lee, albeit a bit understated at first. She really goes off on the chorus, and throws in a few Siobhan notes at the end. Randy thinks “it started a bit slow, and then was the Crystal we’ve grown to know and love…I hope you make a record like that.” Ellen “said it before…so compelling on stage, filling up the room.” Kara “loved it tonight, it told so much about you as an artist.” Simon claims “it brought me back to the time when we loved everything about you…the last 3-4 weeks not so much…we’ve got a competition tonight.” 7.5/10.
Round 1 clearly goes to Crystal, but the judges aren’t going out of their way to praise her. They’ve spent the last month trying to sell Lee to us (Simon has all season), so now they have to back their golden child, as bland and devoid of personality as he may be. On to round two…
Simon Fuller’s choice for Lee is “Everybody Hurts”, an R.E.M. song. Full disclosure: I am a HUGE R.E.M. fan, “Up” and “Across the Sun” notwithstanding. There is no way Lee will hit the notes needed on this song, so he better rearrange it or take it down at least an octave. Not to mention that it’s an emotional song that builds on itself from beginning to end. This could be a train wreck. Pitch issues everywhere at the beginning, and is it a rule that he gets the backing choir on every song now? The chorus is all over the place, and he kind of loses the vocals at one point. It’s fair, not great, and hardly anyone will agree with me. Randy calls this “definitely better…started pitchy, but you pulled it together, and I felt the Lee I love by the end.” Ellen notes he “went off a couple of times, but I don’t care about that, it’s about the performance…you got excited, then pulled back.” Kara tries to build him up: “What’s great is it was emotionally accessible…telling a story…wasn’t the perfect vocal.” Simon labels it a “brilliant choice of song…you went off melody…I can feel you’re nervous…I want a 10 out of 10 performance from you on the last song – you’re capable of it.” Again, the judges are trying to keep him in it, but let’s be honest here: this was the wrong song for Lee, and it was a 5/10 portrayal of it.
Note to Simon Fuller: the perfect choice would have been “Just Breathe” by Pearl Jam. No idea if you’ve heard the song, or could get rights to it, but Lee doing it acoustic, with the choir, would have been lights out.
So how can Mr. Fuller screw Crystal over? We need to take the Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, KT Tunstall, Sass Jordan, and Janis out of the mix. How about a one hit wonder? Done. “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles, a song that gets butchered in auditions at least five times a year. It’s a decent fit to Crystal’s vocal abilities, so let’s see how this goes. The dress is more black trash bag than black velvet, but the performance is pretty good, especially considering the song. Randy says “yo” forty times, then states “This is what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! What I loved from day one…Mamasox is in it to win it!” (If you’re playing the Randy drinking game, you just passed out.) Ellen jokes that she “likes the wardrobe changes…I feel like I’m at a Cher concert…that was fantastic.” Kara tries to add gravitas to the evening: “Tonight is the night to give it your all, to kill yourself, to hit the big notes…you did.” Simon is “almost allergic to that song…we’ve heard it so many times in auditions where people have murdered it, but you took that song and absolutely nailed it…really good.” 7/10 from me, and Round Two goes to Crystal as well.
Onto the “single” song…will we be treated to another Kara “you can do anything if you believe in rainbows and puppies and sunshine bubbles oh my gosh it’s David Archuleta I don’t really believe this garbage but it sells” song, or did the producers finally realize that we don’t need another cheesefest like “Do I Make You Proud?” Honestly, how is both doing the same song fair to anyone? It’s always going to be written like some pop formulaic crap that is radio friendly, and neither of these singers fit that mold, as much as they are trying to cram Lee into it. Ha! Someone agrees with me, but now I’m wondering who chose the songs they are doing, because…
Lee is doing U2’s “Beautiful Day”. Black leather jacket, sneakers. Another song where he can’t carry the emotional impact or hit the big notes. Who chose this song? He should be doing Nickelback’s “Photograph” or something that fits his limited range. He undersings this quite a bit so as not to sound overly raspy, and doesn’t even try to hit any of the “moment” notes on this one. It’s pretty bland, if we’re being fair, and if he’d done this three weeks ago, he’d have gotten ripped for it. Oh, and by the way, the line is “It’s a beautiful day”, NOT “It WAS a beautiful day.” Another bad choice. Randy comments: “Once again, it started out a little interesting…by the middle, you started getting your groove back, the Lee I love with the big strong rock voice…good on ya.” Ellen asks how Lee feels. “Watching you process and grow and watching you take it all in…so proud of you, great job.” Kara nails it: “You got swallowed up a bit by the song…some good and bad moments…you’ve grown the most, have a great commercial voice, and you deserve to be here.” She slaps him down, deservedly, then gives it all back? What is this crap? Simon: “this is what the competition was designed for…you were selling paint, we gave you a break, you’re a nice person, and I truly wish you the best.” But what about the lackluster performance, Simon? What about Crystal’s break, and her background? Why are they trying to push Lee down our throats? He’s not David Cook, folks. 5/10. It may have been a beautiful day for Lee, but for me, it feels like I’m stuck in a moment and I can’t get out of it.
Crystal gets the coveted closer spot. She’s seated, with guitar, and backing choir. Darnit, I KNOW this song…Kelly did it with Jeff Beck during Idol Gives Back… Got it! ”Up to the Mountain” by Patty Griffin, who is woefully underappreciated as an artist. Great vocal control by Crystal – quiet, then swelling, and on point the entire time. Chokes up just a touch at the end, but keeps it together. Not the “moment”, but close. Awesome job. Randy notes that “culminated the 9th season…amazing song by an amazing singer…one of the greatest moments at the best time…incredible.” Ellen (who just started her own record label…hmmm.) declares “I cannot compare you to any one contemporary artist…you’re in a league of your own…incredible voice…if you make a record, I’ll buy it. If you go, I’ll go. If you make a salad, I’ll eat it.” Down, girl. Portia’s going to get jealous. Kara: “Very important song for you…if I had one criticism of you this year, it’s that you had some walls up…you were completely emotionally invested…thought you blossomed…amazing.” Crystal interrupts to thank Simon for his critique, advice, and wishes him luck in his next venture. Awkwardly timed, but I’d agree: to me, Simon IS Idol, and unless they choose me as his replacement, I’m having a hard time believing next season is going to be nearly as much fun. Simon “thought that was by far the best performance of the night…since this is the final critique I’m going to give, let me say: That. Was. Outstanding.” 9/10.
Crystal gives a lame joke about standing next to Ryan, babbles about being grateful for her son, her life, and the opportunity.
Let’s face it, Crystal wins this in terms of performance, 3 rounds to zero. In terms of points, I score it 23.5 to 16.
Ryan to Simon: “You’re a dear friend…we wouldn’t be here without you.” Thanks him, and promises some surprises at the finale. Here’s what won’t surprise me: “Pants on the Ground”, Melissa Etheridge singing with Crystal, Paula Abdul appearing, lame awards, bad group sings, the show going over, and Lee winning due to the tween vote. Crystal absolutely should win this going away, but I’m not confident.
Will Young, a former Pop Idol winner, will sing “Leave Right Now”…is he related to Seacrest? Snapshots of the season are shown, the top 12 makes its way onto the stage. Set your DVRs, kids, the finale always runs over.
The introduction is a redux of photos of those who auditioned this year. Flashbacks of Lee and Crystal from the season. The Nokia Theatre, which seats 7000. Both singers started out at the Chicago auditions, and both are 24 years old.
Randy has a weird layered look – Red pimp coat over 80’s paisley over plain white T…it looks like Prince threw up on Huggy Bear. With those glasses, he looks like he should be managing McDowell’s in “Coming to America” as it is, but come on. Ellen in a dark suit, Kara in black with a Paula Abdul neckline, and Simon in a jacket over a white unbutton-down.
Enter the top two through the audience. Crystal drops a microphone, stops, starts, and gets confused. Nerves finally kicking in? Crystal is dressed as a folkie Native American, and Lee is in a suit sans tie. Each will sing three songs: one of their own choosing, one chosen by producer Simon Fuller, and one that will be “their single” if they win. Will they let Crystal do one of her own songs? I’m guessing that could happen tomorrow night, but not for the finals. Crystal won the coin toss and is going second.
Lee wanted to be a pro baseball player as a kid. Yeah, me too, but I peaked in Little League. He’s doing “The Boxer” again, which I think is a bad choice…it skews old, and it honestly wasn’t his best performance during the season. The verses don’t go very well, as he’s off pitch again. The chorus fares better, but anyone can sing “la la la” on key. The camera angles, showing a mouthful of spittle, don’t help either. Randy: “great way to start things off…not sure it was real energetic or exciting, but it sounded nice…pick it up!” Ellen: “I couldn’t be prouder if I had birthed you myself…did it better than the first time.” (I’m just going to let both of these comments go.) Kara: “Kinda agree with Randy…punch harder…loved that you were connected to it.” Simon: “This is the big one…I expect a lot more passion…was like a kiss on the cheek when I want a kiss on the lips.” I bet Seacrest will kill himself not to comment on that. Lee is happy, smiling, but he came up short. 6/10.
Crystal has been playing guitar since she found her mother’s instrument when she was 10, and played some very early coffeehouse gigs. She’s reprising “Me and Bobby McGee”, which is OK, but she should re-do “People Get Ready”, in my opinion. Immediately, she’s better than Lee, albeit a bit understated at first. She really goes off on the chorus, and throws in a few Siobhan notes at the end. Randy thinks “it started a bit slow, and then was the Crystal we’ve grown to know and love…I hope you make a record like that.” Ellen “said it before…so compelling on stage, filling up the room.” Kara “loved it tonight, it told so much about you as an artist.” Simon claims “it brought me back to the time when we loved everything about you…the last 3-4 weeks not so much…we’ve got a competition tonight.” 7.5/10.
Round 1 clearly goes to Crystal, but the judges aren’t going out of their way to praise her. They’ve spent the last month trying to sell Lee to us (Simon has all season), so now they have to back their golden child, as bland and devoid of personality as he may be. On to round two…
Simon Fuller’s choice for Lee is “Everybody Hurts”, an R.E.M. song. Full disclosure: I am a HUGE R.E.M. fan, “Up” and “Across the Sun” notwithstanding. There is no way Lee will hit the notes needed on this song, so he better rearrange it or take it down at least an octave. Not to mention that it’s an emotional song that builds on itself from beginning to end. This could be a train wreck. Pitch issues everywhere at the beginning, and is it a rule that he gets the backing choir on every song now? The chorus is all over the place, and he kind of loses the vocals at one point. It’s fair, not great, and hardly anyone will agree with me. Randy calls this “definitely better…started pitchy, but you pulled it together, and I felt the Lee I love by the end.” Ellen notes he “went off a couple of times, but I don’t care about that, it’s about the performance…you got excited, then pulled back.” Kara tries to build him up: “What’s great is it was emotionally accessible…telling a story…wasn’t the perfect vocal.” Simon labels it a “brilliant choice of song…you went off melody…I can feel you’re nervous…I want a 10 out of 10 performance from you on the last song – you’re capable of it.” Again, the judges are trying to keep him in it, but let’s be honest here: this was the wrong song for Lee, and it was a 5/10 portrayal of it.
Note to Simon Fuller: the perfect choice would have been “Just Breathe” by Pearl Jam. No idea if you’ve heard the song, or could get rights to it, but Lee doing it acoustic, with the choir, would have been lights out.
So how can Mr. Fuller screw Crystal over? We need to take the Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, KT Tunstall, Sass Jordan, and Janis out of the mix. How about a one hit wonder? Done. “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles, a song that gets butchered in auditions at least five times a year. It’s a decent fit to Crystal’s vocal abilities, so let’s see how this goes. The dress is more black trash bag than black velvet, but the performance is pretty good, especially considering the song. Randy says “yo” forty times, then states “This is what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! What I loved from day one…Mamasox is in it to win it!” (If you’re playing the Randy drinking game, you just passed out.) Ellen jokes that she “likes the wardrobe changes…I feel like I’m at a Cher concert…that was fantastic.” Kara tries to add gravitas to the evening: “Tonight is the night to give it your all, to kill yourself, to hit the big notes…you did.” Simon is “almost allergic to that song…we’ve heard it so many times in auditions where people have murdered it, but you took that song and absolutely nailed it…really good.” 7/10 from me, and Round Two goes to Crystal as well.
Onto the “single” song…will we be treated to another Kara “you can do anything if you believe in rainbows and puppies and sunshine bubbles oh my gosh it’s David Archuleta I don’t really believe this garbage but it sells” song, or did the producers finally realize that we don’t need another cheesefest like “Do I Make You Proud?” Honestly, how is both doing the same song fair to anyone? It’s always going to be written like some pop formulaic crap that is radio friendly, and neither of these singers fit that mold, as much as they are trying to cram Lee into it. Ha! Someone agrees with me, but now I’m wondering who chose the songs they are doing, because…
Lee is doing U2’s “Beautiful Day”. Black leather jacket, sneakers. Another song where he can’t carry the emotional impact or hit the big notes. Who chose this song? He should be doing Nickelback’s “Photograph” or something that fits his limited range. He undersings this quite a bit so as not to sound overly raspy, and doesn’t even try to hit any of the “moment” notes on this one. It’s pretty bland, if we’re being fair, and if he’d done this three weeks ago, he’d have gotten ripped for it. Oh, and by the way, the line is “It’s a beautiful day”, NOT “It WAS a beautiful day.” Another bad choice. Randy comments: “Once again, it started out a little interesting…by the middle, you started getting your groove back, the Lee I love with the big strong rock voice…good on ya.” Ellen asks how Lee feels. “Watching you process and grow and watching you take it all in…so proud of you, great job.” Kara nails it: “You got swallowed up a bit by the song…some good and bad moments…you’ve grown the most, have a great commercial voice, and you deserve to be here.” She slaps him down, deservedly, then gives it all back? What is this crap? Simon: “this is what the competition was designed for…you were selling paint, we gave you a break, you’re a nice person, and I truly wish you the best.” But what about the lackluster performance, Simon? What about Crystal’s break, and her background? Why are they trying to push Lee down our throats? He’s not David Cook, folks. 5/10. It may have been a beautiful day for Lee, but for me, it feels like I’m stuck in a moment and I can’t get out of it.
Crystal gets the coveted closer spot. She’s seated, with guitar, and backing choir. Darnit, I KNOW this song…Kelly did it with Jeff Beck during Idol Gives Back… Got it! ”Up to the Mountain” by Patty Griffin, who is woefully underappreciated as an artist. Great vocal control by Crystal – quiet, then swelling, and on point the entire time. Chokes up just a touch at the end, but keeps it together. Not the “moment”, but close. Awesome job. Randy notes that “culminated the 9th season…amazing song by an amazing singer…one of the greatest moments at the best time…incredible.” Ellen (who just started her own record label…hmmm.) declares “I cannot compare you to any one contemporary artist…you’re in a league of your own…incredible voice…if you make a record, I’ll buy it. If you go, I’ll go. If you make a salad, I’ll eat it.” Down, girl. Portia’s going to get jealous. Kara: “Very important song for you…if I had one criticism of you this year, it’s that you had some walls up…you were completely emotionally invested…thought you blossomed…amazing.” Crystal interrupts to thank Simon for his critique, advice, and wishes him luck in his next venture. Awkwardly timed, but I’d agree: to me, Simon IS Idol, and unless they choose me as his replacement, I’m having a hard time believing next season is going to be nearly as much fun. Simon “thought that was by far the best performance of the night…since this is the final critique I’m going to give, let me say: That. Was. Outstanding.” 9/10.
Crystal gives a lame joke about standing next to Ryan, babbles about being grateful for her son, her life, and the opportunity.
Let’s face it, Crystal wins this in terms of performance, 3 rounds to zero. In terms of points, I score it 23.5 to 16.
Ryan to Simon: “You’re a dear friend…we wouldn’t be here without you.” Thanks him, and promises some surprises at the finale. Here’s what won’t surprise me: “Pants on the Ground”, Melissa Etheridge singing with Crystal, Paula Abdul appearing, lame awards, bad group sings, the show going over, and Lee winning due to the tween vote. Crystal absolutely should win this going away, but I’m not confident.
Will Young, a former Pop Idol winner, will sing “Leave Right Now”…is he related to Seacrest? Snapshots of the season are shown, the top 12 makes its way onto the stage. Set your DVRs, kids, the finale always runs over.
i missed almost all of this season after the first few episodes, but these two finalists suck. i remember in the beginning of the season i thought bowersoxx should get voted off right away and this other guy is just a generic bum. there were at least 4-5 people on last year's edition that were more impressive than these two.
Lee should be beaten to a pulp for even daring to "sing" a U2 song. WTF??????????? 
QUOTE (musicgurl @ May 26 2010, 12:41 PM)
Lee should be beaten to a pulp for even daring to "sing" a U2 song. WTF???????????
yeah, right? It kind of makes you appreciate Bono's vocal stylings a little more.
This was the first year since the second, that I hadn't voted for an Idol. Last week, I thought Lee would win. But he blew last week's good will last night. I'm just not too terribly excited about either contestent.
If tonight is really Cowell's last show: it's mine too.
This show is history, Simon was the only person worth watching. Ellen is terrible. RIP Idol, bring on the X-Factor!
American Idol – Season 9 Finale – 5/26/10
Get ready, people – it’s 127 minutes (scheduled) of a suckstravaganza. As usual, we will have 124 minutes of filler, the announcement, and the winner’s song. So tempting to just watch the last three minutes. But I do this for YOU, the tens of people who have faithfully read this snarkfest for five years. So, onward and upward…
In case you forgot, Lee and Crystal both started in Chicago. He sold paint, she’s a single mom – sounds like a sitcom pitch: “The Salesman and the Single Mom”…join us this week as they decide to just remain friends, even though each one wants more from the other! Oh look, they’re dressed as Catholic schoolkids…I smell a group sing coming.
Audience shots: Carrie, Taylor, Jordin. Seacrest enters in his Blue Brothers suit. Announces there has been less than a 2% separation between the two candidates throughout the season. And again, I ger nervous. Lee is “happy, man, happy and you know it, clap your hands, happy happy joy joy.” Crystal is “in the clouds…amazing journey.” Journey? Randy jumps up.
Crowds in Toledo, OH, and Mount Prospect, IL have gathered – we can’t tell who is in either city…I’m just praying for no Mikayla Gordon sightings.
The Top 12 are back. Origami on guitar – I imagine Steve Vai is somewhere in the wings. ALL of them are in Catholic school gear…”School’s Out” by Alice Cooper? As a group sing? A choir full of children with Alice’s eye makeup, and Casey introduces Alice himself, looking like he did in the 70’s when this song was actually popular. His mic is barely on, which given the croaking nature of his voice is probably a good thing. Alice Cooper, boys and girls, was a pioneer of shock rock, and wearing makeup to create an image on stage. For better or worse, you can thank him for influencing KISS, Marilyn Manson, Insane Clown Posse, and a host of other hacks who value performance over vocals. Siobhan’s outfit is a bit dangerous, and Lacey’s showing a lot of attitude tonight.
Kris Allen, last year’s winner, will sing “The Truth”, with a drummer that will soon appear in “Revenge of the Nerds: The Next Generation”. Typical quiet/loud/quiet semi-inspirational stuff from Kris. Good, but ultimately forgettable.
Bo Bice! Kimberly Caldwell!
It’s the “end of an era” – let the Simon worship begin. Instead of stupid awards, this year we get “Simon Cowell Uncovered”…the first installment includes judges’ comments about working with Simon, and Ryan and Randy pretending to celebrate his departure. More on this later.
Siobhan and Aaron duet on “How Deep is Your Love”, another 70’s tune that the BeeGees made famous. And the two surviving BeeGees are wheeled walk in. The guy singing the high notes can’t quite get there any more, but let’s hear how you sound when you’re 70, OK? Audience shots of Blake and The Hoff.
John Coffey is back to sing “Takin’ It to the Streets”, ironic since he’s never spent any actual time there. It’s the wrong song for him, but let the 70’s Tribute Night continue, because Colonel Sanders Taylor Hicks’ dad Michael McDonald is here! They duet, and McDonald’s voice is just about gone as well. When you make a living hitting high notes, you have to realize that at some point, your body will refuse to do that any more.
Dane Cook, professional joke thief, appears to sing “Simon Said”, a song about Simon’s insulting commentary over the last nine years. As always, Cook is best when working with someone else’s material, so this is fairly funny a few times. Notable Idol side show artists Normund Gentle, Tatiana Del Toro, Jumper Girl, William Hung, the “You Are My Brother” guy (I’m not looking his name up), and evidently the Brittenum Brothers’ probation has ended.
Here are the top 6 girls singing “I Am Beautiful”. Paige hasn’t missed any meals since leaving, Siobhan has on slashed stockings, and Katie is on 6-inch heels. Ryan is being restrained by security so that he cannot touch Didi. They segue into “The Ride” and out comes Ms. Aguilera herself. 1980’s Madonna hair combined with Gwen Stefani combined with George Washington on the $1 bill. The song lasts for twenty minutes, and is a wannabe Whitney song full of runs and vocal acrobatics. The 360 degree camera angles reveal that she hasn’t lost all of the baby weight…who dresses these people?!?!?
Ricky Gervais checks in via satellite to make fun of Simon. Calls him a 58-year-old former lap dancer, and talks about Simon having money to throw away, which is true. Rumor has it he made $36 million from the AI franchise last year.
Top 6 Guys sing “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do) by Hall & Oates. Mike is WAY too into this. Casey and Tim start the song, which fades into “Maneater”. Lee introduces Hall & Oates, who sing “You Make My Dreams”. Daryl Hall is smart enough to do what his voice will let him, without trying to overdo the high notes. I had no idea that Oates had played Epstein on “Welcome Back, Kotter”.
Meanwhile, in Toledo, Janell Tebow Wheeler checks in with the Crystal fans. This leads Ryan to Crystal’s dad in the audience. Dressed in a suit with motorcycle leathers, he looks like Cher’s boyfriend in “Mask”. I keep expecting him to say “Beef…it’s what for dinner.” Is that a Mr. Bill doll in his pocket?
Crystal is on stage to do the Alanis Morrisette song “Ironic”. What’s ironic is that an artist of her talent has to do a show like this to get discovered. The song is about bad luck, not irony. And of course the ex-Mrs. Ryan Reynolds shows up, singing with Crystal on “You Oughtta Know”. And they change the line “would she go down on you in a theatre” to “would she go down with you to a theater.” This show lets every freaking rap star on stage bump and grind with half naked dancers, Lady Gaga appear twice, brings in every wannabe female slutty pop star known to man, and THIS is where they choose to appear as a “family show”?!?!? THAT’S “Ironic.” Crystal nails it, by the way.
The one true American Idol, Carrie Underwood, is back. She’s been poured into some leather pants, and sings a rock done as country song called “Undo It”, which is nothing but attitude. Gotta say, I liked her better when was still raw and unpolished. Oh, and Kara co-wrote the song? No wonder I don’t like it.
Ford commercial time. Kris Allen presents Lee and Crystal with their own Ford Fiestas that they designed earlier this year. “I Wish” is a video that recaps all of the other commercials the Idols did for Ford this year.
The top 2 are with Ryan. Casey is on stage to sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, with both acoustic and electric guitar strapped on. Predictably, Bret Michaels comes out halfway through, marking the 14th different reality show he has appeared on. Hopefully, the morphine lasts long enough for Bret to finish without having to go back to the hospital.
Next year’s audition cities are announced, and myspace.com will be involved somehow.
Lee DeWyze is onstage with Chicago. This should be interesting, since Lee cannot hit a high note to save his life. “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” Um, yeah, it’s 9:40 – can we get on with this? Neither Lee nor the singer for Chicago can hit the notes on “If You Leave Me Now”. “25 or 6 to 4”, staple of high school pep bands, is next. Chicago has been touring for over forty years, and has gone through at least four lead singers, and they can’t get anyone better than this?
Lori Loughlin in audience. Matt Rogers, who evidently has no life, is in Mount Prospect, IL.
Installment two of “Simon Cowell Uncovered”. This section is “The Flirt” and shows Simon kissing every judge, including Randy, and a lame sketch where the two of them wake up in the same bed.
We all knew General Larry Platt would be back, and “Pants on the Ground” gets the full electronic remix effect. The Vanilla Ice dancers are with him, and Platt shows a few moves of his own. Considering he is in his 60’s, he moves pretty well. Dancers drop their pants, and a blinged out William Hung comes on to help finish the song. Yikes.
The Simon LoveFest continues, with Paula Abdul making her return. A highlight tape of the Simon/Paula moments is played. Paula, who isn’t afraid to milk the camera, reminds us in thirty seconds why she is both sweet and completely loopy. She compliments the judges, asks Seacrest for her lip gloss back, and then implies that she and Simon had a baby together. She goes on and on about their “partnership”…if it were a partnership, dear, this wouldn’t be your first appearance this year, and we may never have heard of Kara DioGuardi. And we’d all be better for that.
“My Way” by Sinatra is played in the background of yet another Simon highlight reel. Schmaltz Factor at an all time high, even for this show. And a more fitting tribute ensues…
All of the previous Idol winners, minus David Cook, are on stage to sing “Together We Are One.” Fittingly, Kelly starts, and everyone takes a turn. Then tons of previous Idol finalists dressed in white come on stage as well…I’m not even going to try to name them all, but I see Justin, Kim, Constantly Annoying, Bo, Castro, Elliott, Ace…Paula has taken up residence on Simon’s lap.
Ryan calls Simon up to say a few words. He makes a fairly graceful speech, saying Idol will go on without him, and that “YOU are the real judges, and you’ve done a great job, except for Taylor.” Well, all but the last part, anyway.
The top 12 come out to sing a Janet Jackson song, which is followed by a freshly shorn Janet medley of “Nothing” and “Nasty”. You can hear the autotune – she sounds exactly like her late brother. And “Nasty”, other than the spoken word parts, is an obvious lipsync. Didn’t Paula do the original choreography for this? If Janet gets a little more into the dancing, it’s going to be Wardrobe Malfunction Part II.
Lee and Crystal at auditions, spending time together, Lee pushing a meatball to Crystal with his nose…OK, they like each other, we get it.
Yet another song. “With a Little Help From My Friends” – finally, something that fits Lee’s vocals! “What would you do if I sang out of tune?” Well, I wouldn’t be shocked, Lee. Crystal introduces Redd Foxx Joe Cocker, and I keep waiting for John Belushi to show up. They censored Alanis, but “I get high with a little help from my friends” gets through. OK, Idol, duly noted: pot OK, oral sex references no, unless it’s by a “current” artist.
10:02 pm EST. Crystal and Lee on stage with Ryan. The Telescope Company rep, Charles Emerson Winchester, um, Edward Boddington, gives Ryan the envelope with the certified results.
And the winner is…
Lee DeWyze.
What?!?!?
Crystal is smiling like she knew it all along (and maybe she did). Lee is stunned, maybe even more than I am. He looks like he’s about to get sick. Ryan asks if he can describe he how feels, and he says, “no” after saying “Oh my God” fifty times. He’s still happy, and thanks everyone. He assassinates “Beautiful Day” again, and confetti flies, the credits roll, and the Simon Cowell era is officially closed.
So what in the wide world of sports has happened here? In a nutshell, this is Taylor over Katharine McPhee. This is the biggest triumph of Vote for the Worst. In a season where viewers who care about quality fled by the millions, America chose the story over the quality. This is a country where microwave dinners are valued over slow cooked meals, tweens have money but no jobs, and are able to text their votes for four hours with nothing better to do. American Idol gets maybe one real artist a season, if they are lucky, and Crystal was IT this year. Lee DeWyze may be a nice guy, and a great story, and he may even be cute to tweens and cougars, but I defy anyone to tell me face to face that he’s a better singer than Crystal Bowersox. Heck, at one point, I argued that he shouldn’t have been top 24, let alone WIN the thing. Have the votes from Florida been counted yet? And the worst part is that Crystal is STILL in the clutches of 19 Entertainment by rule, which guarantees us two albums that will flat out suck when the producers get done “re-imaging” her.
I may be the Grumpy Old Man of recappers here, but I truly don’t care. Turn that music down, get off my lawn, and things WERE better in my day. So deal with it, and have your laughs if you voted for Lee. Because in three years, that paint salesman job will start looking pretty good to him. He will sell less album that any winner since Taylor Hicks.
Season Nine is over. I’ll be back next year. Maybe.
America, you suck.
Get ready, people – it’s 127 minutes (scheduled) of a suckstravaganza. As usual, we will have 124 minutes of filler, the announcement, and the winner’s song. So tempting to just watch the last three minutes. But I do this for YOU, the tens of people who have faithfully read this snarkfest for five years. So, onward and upward…
In case you forgot, Lee and Crystal both started in Chicago. He sold paint, she’s a single mom – sounds like a sitcom pitch: “The Salesman and the Single Mom”…join us this week as they decide to just remain friends, even though each one wants more from the other! Oh look, they’re dressed as Catholic schoolkids…I smell a group sing coming.
Audience shots: Carrie, Taylor, Jordin. Seacrest enters in his Blue Brothers suit. Announces there has been less than a 2% separation between the two candidates throughout the season. And again, I ger nervous. Lee is “happy, man, happy and you know it, clap your hands, happy happy joy joy.” Crystal is “in the clouds…amazing journey.” Journey? Randy jumps up.
Crowds in Toledo, OH, and Mount Prospect, IL have gathered – we can’t tell who is in either city…I’m just praying for no Mikayla Gordon sightings.
The Top 12 are back. Origami on guitar – I imagine Steve Vai is somewhere in the wings. ALL of them are in Catholic school gear…”School’s Out” by Alice Cooper? As a group sing? A choir full of children with Alice’s eye makeup, and Casey introduces Alice himself, looking like he did in the 70’s when this song was actually popular. His mic is barely on, which given the croaking nature of his voice is probably a good thing. Alice Cooper, boys and girls, was a pioneer of shock rock, and wearing makeup to create an image on stage. For better or worse, you can thank him for influencing KISS, Marilyn Manson, Insane Clown Posse, and a host of other hacks who value performance over vocals. Siobhan’s outfit is a bit dangerous, and Lacey’s showing a lot of attitude tonight.
Kris Allen, last year’s winner, will sing “The Truth”, with a drummer that will soon appear in “Revenge of the Nerds: The Next Generation”. Typical quiet/loud/quiet semi-inspirational stuff from Kris. Good, but ultimately forgettable.
Bo Bice! Kimberly Caldwell!
It’s the “end of an era” – let the Simon worship begin. Instead of stupid awards, this year we get “Simon Cowell Uncovered”…the first installment includes judges’ comments about working with Simon, and Ryan and Randy pretending to celebrate his departure. More on this later.
Siobhan and Aaron duet on “How Deep is Your Love”, another 70’s tune that the BeeGees made famous. And the two surviving BeeGees are wheeled walk in. The guy singing the high notes can’t quite get there any more, but let’s hear how you sound when you’re 70, OK? Audience shots of Blake and The Hoff.
John Coffey is back to sing “Takin’ It to the Streets”, ironic since he’s never spent any actual time there. It’s the wrong song for him, but let the 70’s Tribute Night continue, because Colonel Sanders Taylor Hicks’ dad Michael McDonald is here! They duet, and McDonald’s voice is just about gone as well. When you make a living hitting high notes, you have to realize that at some point, your body will refuse to do that any more.
Dane Cook, professional joke thief, appears to sing “Simon Said”, a song about Simon’s insulting commentary over the last nine years. As always, Cook is best when working with someone else’s material, so this is fairly funny a few times. Notable Idol side show artists Normund Gentle, Tatiana Del Toro, Jumper Girl, William Hung, the “You Are My Brother” guy (I’m not looking his name up), and evidently the Brittenum Brothers’ probation has ended.
Here are the top 6 girls singing “I Am Beautiful”. Paige hasn’t missed any meals since leaving, Siobhan has on slashed stockings, and Katie is on 6-inch heels. Ryan is being restrained by security so that he cannot touch Didi. They segue into “The Ride” and out comes Ms. Aguilera herself. 1980’s Madonna hair combined with Gwen Stefani combined with George Washington on the $1 bill. The song lasts for twenty minutes, and is a wannabe Whitney song full of runs and vocal acrobatics. The 360 degree camera angles reveal that she hasn’t lost all of the baby weight…who dresses these people?!?!?
Ricky Gervais checks in via satellite to make fun of Simon. Calls him a 58-year-old former lap dancer, and talks about Simon having money to throw away, which is true. Rumor has it he made $36 million from the AI franchise last year.
Top 6 Guys sing “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do) by Hall & Oates. Mike is WAY too into this. Casey and Tim start the song, which fades into “Maneater”. Lee introduces Hall & Oates, who sing “You Make My Dreams”. Daryl Hall is smart enough to do what his voice will let him, without trying to overdo the high notes. I had no idea that Oates had played Epstein on “Welcome Back, Kotter”.
Meanwhile, in Toledo, Janell Tebow Wheeler checks in with the Crystal fans. This leads Ryan to Crystal’s dad in the audience. Dressed in a suit with motorcycle leathers, he looks like Cher’s boyfriend in “Mask”. I keep expecting him to say “Beef…it’s what for dinner.” Is that a Mr. Bill doll in his pocket?
Crystal is on stage to do the Alanis Morrisette song “Ironic”. What’s ironic is that an artist of her talent has to do a show like this to get discovered. The song is about bad luck, not irony. And of course the ex-Mrs. Ryan Reynolds shows up, singing with Crystal on “You Oughtta Know”. And they change the line “would she go down on you in a theatre” to “would she go down with you to a theater.” This show lets every freaking rap star on stage bump and grind with half naked dancers, Lady Gaga appear twice, brings in every wannabe female slutty pop star known to man, and THIS is where they choose to appear as a “family show”?!?!? THAT’S “Ironic.” Crystal nails it, by the way.
The one true American Idol, Carrie Underwood, is back. She’s been poured into some leather pants, and sings a rock done as country song called “Undo It”, which is nothing but attitude. Gotta say, I liked her better when was still raw and unpolished. Oh, and Kara co-wrote the song? No wonder I don’t like it.
Ford commercial time. Kris Allen presents Lee and Crystal with their own Ford Fiestas that they designed earlier this year. “I Wish” is a video that recaps all of the other commercials the Idols did for Ford this year.
The top 2 are with Ryan. Casey is on stage to sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, with both acoustic and electric guitar strapped on. Predictably, Bret Michaels comes out halfway through, marking the 14th different reality show he has appeared on. Hopefully, the morphine lasts long enough for Bret to finish without having to go back to the hospital.
Next year’s audition cities are announced, and myspace.com will be involved somehow.
Lee DeWyze is onstage with Chicago. This should be interesting, since Lee cannot hit a high note to save his life. “Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?” Um, yeah, it’s 9:40 – can we get on with this? Neither Lee nor the singer for Chicago can hit the notes on “If You Leave Me Now”. “25 or 6 to 4”, staple of high school pep bands, is next. Chicago has been touring for over forty years, and has gone through at least four lead singers, and they can’t get anyone better than this?
Lori Loughlin in audience. Matt Rogers, who evidently has no life, is in Mount Prospect, IL.
Installment two of “Simon Cowell Uncovered”. This section is “The Flirt” and shows Simon kissing every judge, including Randy, and a lame sketch where the two of them wake up in the same bed.
We all knew General Larry Platt would be back, and “Pants on the Ground” gets the full electronic remix effect. The Vanilla Ice dancers are with him, and Platt shows a few moves of his own. Considering he is in his 60’s, he moves pretty well. Dancers drop their pants, and a blinged out William Hung comes on to help finish the song. Yikes.
The Simon LoveFest continues, with Paula Abdul making her return. A highlight tape of the Simon/Paula moments is played. Paula, who isn’t afraid to milk the camera, reminds us in thirty seconds why she is both sweet and completely loopy. She compliments the judges, asks Seacrest for her lip gloss back, and then implies that she and Simon had a baby together. She goes on and on about their “partnership”…if it were a partnership, dear, this wouldn’t be your first appearance this year, and we may never have heard of Kara DioGuardi. And we’d all be better for that.
“My Way” by Sinatra is played in the background of yet another Simon highlight reel. Schmaltz Factor at an all time high, even for this show. And a more fitting tribute ensues…
All of the previous Idol winners, minus David Cook, are on stage to sing “Together We Are One.” Fittingly, Kelly starts, and everyone takes a turn. Then tons of previous Idol finalists dressed in white come on stage as well…I’m not even going to try to name them all, but I see Justin, Kim, Constantly Annoying, Bo, Castro, Elliott, Ace…Paula has taken up residence on Simon’s lap.
Ryan calls Simon up to say a few words. He makes a fairly graceful speech, saying Idol will go on without him, and that “YOU are the real judges, and you’ve done a great job, except for Taylor.” Well, all but the last part, anyway.
The top 12 come out to sing a Janet Jackson song, which is followed by a freshly shorn Janet medley of “Nothing” and “Nasty”. You can hear the autotune – she sounds exactly like her late brother. And “Nasty”, other than the spoken word parts, is an obvious lipsync. Didn’t Paula do the original choreography for this? If Janet gets a little more into the dancing, it’s going to be Wardrobe Malfunction Part II.
Lee and Crystal at auditions, spending time together, Lee pushing a meatball to Crystal with his nose…OK, they like each other, we get it.
Yet another song. “With a Little Help From My Friends” – finally, something that fits Lee’s vocals! “What would you do if I sang out of tune?” Well, I wouldn’t be shocked, Lee. Crystal introduces Redd Foxx Joe Cocker, and I keep waiting for John Belushi to show up. They censored Alanis, but “I get high with a little help from my friends” gets through. OK, Idol, duly noted: pot OK, oral sex references no, unless it’s by a “current” artist.
10:02 pm EST. Crystal and Lee on stage with Ryan. The Telescope Company rep, Charles Emerson Winchester, um, Edward Boddington, gives Ryan the envelope with the certified results.
And the winner is…
Lee DeWyze.
What?!?!?
Crystal is smiling like she knew it all along (and maybe she did). Lee is stunned, maybe even more than I am. He looks like he’s about to get sick. Ryan asks if he can describe he how feels, and he says, “no” after saying “Oh my God” fifty times. He’s still happy, and thanks everyone. He assassinates “Beautiful Day” again, and confetti flies, the credits roll, and the Simon Cowell era is officially closed.
So what in the wide world of sports has happened here? In a nutshell, this is Taylor over Katharine McPhee. This is the biggest triumph of Vote for the Worst. In a season where viewers who care about quality fled by the millions, America chose the story over the quality. This is a country where microwave dinners are valued over slow cooked meals, tweens have money but no jobs, and are able to text their votes for four hours with nothing better to do. American Idol gets maybe one real artist a season, if they are lucky, and Crystal was IT this year. Lee DeWyze may be a nice guy, and a great story, and he may even be cute to tweens and cougars, but I defy anyone to tell me face to face that he’s a better singer than Crystal Bowersox. Heck, at one point, I argued that he shouldn’t have been top 24, let alone WIN the thing. Have the votes from Florida been counted yet? And the worst part is that Crystal is STILL in the clutches of 19 Entertainment by rule, which guarantees us two albums that will flat out suck when the producers get done “re-imaging” her.
I may be the Grumpy Old Man of recappers here, but I truly don’t care. Turn that music down, get off my lawn, and things WERE better in my day. So deal with it, and have your laughs if you voted for Lee. Because in three years, that paint salesman job will start looking pretty good to him. He will sell less album that any winner since Taylor Hicks.
Season Nine is over. I’ll be back next year. Maybe.
America, you suck.
QUOTE (Complain @ May 26 2010, 12:54 PM)
American Idol – The Finals – 5/25/10
Lee is doing U2’s “Beautiful Day”. Black leather jacket, sneakers. Another song where he can’t carry the emotional impact or hit the big notes. Who chose this song? He should be doing Nickelback’s “Photograph” or something that fits his limited range. He undersings this quite a bit so as not to sound overly raspy, and doesn’t even try to hit any of the “moment” notes on this one. It’s pretty bland, if we’re being fair, and if he’d done this three weeks ago, he’d have gotten ripped for it. Oh, and by the way, the line is “It’s a beautiful day”, NOT “It WAS a beautiful day.” Another bad choice. Randy comments: “Once again, it started out a little interesting…by the middle, you started getting your groove back, the Lee I love with the big strong rock voice…good on ya.” Ellen asks how Lee feels. “Watching you process and grow and watching you take it all in…so proud of you, great job.” Kara nails it: “You got swallowed up a bit by the song…some good and bad moments…you’ve grown the most, have a great commercial voice, and you deserve to be here.” She slaps him down, deservedly, then gives it all back? What is this crap? Simon: “this is what the competition was designed for…you were selling paint, we gave you a break, you’re a nice person, and I truly wish you the best.” But what about the lackluster performance, Simon? What about Crystal’s break, and her background? Why are they trying to push Lee down our throats? He’s not David Cook, folks. 5/10. It may have been a beautiful day for Lee, but for me, it feels like I’m stuck in a moment and I can’t get out of it.
Lee is doing U2’s “Beautiful Day”. Black leather jacket, sneakers. Another song where he can’t carry the emotional impact or hit the big notes. Who chose this song? He should be doing Nickelback’s “Photograph” or something that fits his limited range. He undersings this quite a bit so as not to sound overly raspy, and doesn’t even try to hit any of the “moment” notes on this one. It’s pretty bland, if we’re being fair, and if he’d done this three weeks ago, he’d have gotten ripped for it. Oh, and by the way, the line is “It’s a beautiful day”, NOT “It WAS a beautiful day.” Another bad choice. Randy comments: “Once again, it started out a little interesting…by the middle, you started getting your groove back, the Lee I love with the big strong rock voice…good on ya.” Ellen asks how Lee feels. “Watching you process and grow and watching you take it all in…so proud of you, great job.” Kara nails it: “You got swallowed up a bit by the song…some good and bad moments…you’ve grown the most, have a great commercial voice, and you deserve to be here.” She slaps him down, deservedly, then gives it all back? What is this crap? Simon: “this is what the competition was designed for…you were selling paint, we gave you a break, you’re a nice person, and I truly wish you the best.” But what about the lackluster performance, Simon? What about Crystal’s break, and her background? Why are they trying to push Lee down our throats? He’s not David Cook, folks. 5/10. It may have been a beautiful day for Lee, but for me, it feels like I’m stuck in a moment and I can’t get out of it.
To be fair Bono does sing "It WAS a beautiful day" in all of the choruses after the bridge. Still Lee should have gotten a kick to the groin for doing the song.
Thank goodness Lee won so Crystal can now get her deal with a smaller label and make a decent Bonnie Raitt/Janis Joplin/Melissa Etheridge type record. Leave Lee to make the bullshit Nickelback record full of David Cook toss off songs. On a bad note now the airwaves will be inundated with Lee's crappy cover of U2. Someone shoot me now.
All of the farewell Simon stuff was way too much. And what the eff was Paula talking about. She is a hot mess. Although it was nice to see the former Idol winners and contestants. I do wish Kimberley Locke, Paris Bennett and Alison Iraheta had been in the house. Speaking of which where the hell was David Cook? Two years and he's too big for Idol. LOL
Oh and Idol can suck it for ruining a great Hall & Oates tune. They are the same as U2 to me....LEAVE THEIR SONGS ALONE!!!
I don't know about you guys but it bugs the hell out of me when people say they are from Chicago but they're actually from the suburbs. Lee is NOT from Chicago. Mount Prospect is not Chicago, and as a resident of the 606 I take offense to that.
As a whole this season was weak and they need to do better next year.
Complain thanks for all of the recaps. See ya next year.
"That's ironic.". Fantastic.
Loved the recaps, as usual.
Loved the recaps, as usual.
David Cook had a charity event that was booked months in advance - couldn't get out of it gracefully.
Adam Lambert was "on vocal rest".
And evidently Crystal and her baby daddy boyfriend broke up the day of the finale...look for a movie called "From Crystal to Lee" any day now, unless Ellen gets to her first.
Adam Lambert was "on vocal rest".
And evidently Crystal and her baby daddy boyfriend broke up the day of the finale...look for a movie called "From Crystal to Lee" any day now, unless Ellen gets to her first.
Great recap, Complain! I agree with everything you said, Crystal clearly was the better choice. The only thing I won't agree with you is the "see you next year Idol", cause with Simon out, there is no reason to watch that godawful show now.
Whenever he gets around to rolling out his X-Factor show, is what I will be watching...
Whenever he gets around to rolling out his X-Factor show, is what I will be watching...
happened to catch the winner singing u2 badly. is he really that mediocre a singer? how did he win? it's not like he seemed particularly attractive, charismatic or charming. so what causes people to pay to vote for him?
They voted for the story. Idol has become Meatballs/The AmaZING Ducks/whatever. You have to be the underrated puppy dog to win. I am also convinced that the show has it figured that the "underdog" factor will bond the voters with the "artist", so the corporation thinks they will make more money.
The wife and I will proabably argue for a while about ever watching this show again. Crystal was the most deserving contestant ever.
And Simon was the show, period.
The wife and I will proabably argue for a while about ever watching this show again. Crystal was the most deserving contestant ever.
And Simon was the show, period.
Huh. Given what I recall of Jess' tastes, I'm amazed that she prefers Lee over Crystal. Did she like Casey, or just consider him an also-ran to performers that do his style better?
QUOTE (Complain @ Jun 1 2010, 07:29 AM)
Huh. Given what I recall of Jess' tastes, I'm amazed that she prefers Lee over Crystal. Did she like Casey, or just consider him an also-ran to performers that do his style better?
No, I confused you. She kinda hated Lee, and agreed with me, that Crystal was the most gifted from the beginning.
We both think Casey shoudl be beaten with hockey sticks. SO talented-- but SO motherfucking lazy.
That makes much more sense.
And Casey still makes me shake my head. Why not just come out and say "I never want to do more than front a mediocre bar band playing cover tunes" ?
And Casey still makes me shake my head. Why not just come out and say "I never want to do more than front a mediocre bar band playing cover tunes" ?
Crystal was totally jobbed. Lee is easily the least talented winner of the show's history. I can honestly say that I sing better than he can.
are the AI voters even more conservative then I thought? The gay kid loses to Bland Allen and now Crystal - a singe (gasp) Mom loses to Lazy Le Dewyze.
The anti single mom angle doesn't really work because Fantasia won and she was a single TEENAGE mom!!! Plus there have been several single mothers in the top 12.
RE: the conservative bullshit-- yeah, maybe there's something to be said for Crystal not really "conforming" until the very end. Frankly, I think she shoulda done the balld in the long dress a lot sooner. A lot of past winners really get into the presentation aspect, and actually give the audience something different (image-wise) every time. Unfortunately, Siobhan though Idol wanted another Bjork.
And isn't it obvious? The teenage girls (who do the majority of voting, ya think?) love them some bland, vanilla ice-cream. No sprinkles.
And isn't it obvious? The teenage girls (who do the majority of voting, ya think?) love them some bland, vanilla ice-cream. No sprinkles.
QUOTE (Complain @ Jun 2 2010, 11:18 AM)
That makes much more sense.
And Casey still makes me shake my head. Why not just come out and say "I never want to do more than front a mediocre bar band playing cover tunes" ?
And Casey still makes me shake my head. Why not just come out and say "I never want to do more than front a mediocre bar band playing cover tunes" ?
He "says" that every time he sings on a stage.
Huey motherfucking Lewis?!
I'm never gonna forget that.
First Ellen, now Kara?
Looks like the producers of Idol could be using Simon's exit to make some serious changes to the show. Hopefully the changes will extend past the judge's panel.
Looks like the producers of Idol could be using Simon's exit to make some serious changes to the show. Hopefully the changes will extend past the judge's panel.
Ellen actually quit a few months ago. Nigel Lythgoe is coming back to produce, and he stated he wanted to start fresh with three new judges. He wanted Elton John desperately, couldn't talk him into it.
I've heard Harry Connick, Jr, and Chris Isaak were in the running, but most recently the persistent rumor is that they will have three judges:
Steven Tyler, J. Lo, and Randy (Mr. Irrelevant) Jackson
I've heard Harry Connick, Jr, and Chris Isaak were in the running, but most recently the persistent rumor is that they will have three judges:
Steven Tyler, J. Lo, and Randy (Mr. Irrelevant) Jackson
QUOTE (Tracy Jacks @ Feb 4 2009, 07:30 PM)
QUOTE (ParticleHustler @ Feb 4 2009, 04:20 PM)
Obviously, the biggie is that Joanna Pacitti chick, who not only was on Broadway (and fired) at 12 years old
This was quite the Broadway scandal. She won a contest sponsored by Macy's to star in the first Broadway revival of Annie! When she became sick, the producers replaced her. At the time there was much speculation that the producers took her sickness as an opportunity to get rid of her because they didn't like her performance.
Apparently that's exactly what happened. They say that acting-wise she got worse with every performance and looked like a deer in headlights by the end.
QUOTE (Complain @ Aug 3 2010, 01:06 PM)
Ellen actually quit a few months ago. Nigel Lythgoe is coming back to produce, and he stated he wanted to start fresh with three new judges. He wanted Elton John desperately, couldn't talk him into it.
I've heard Harry Connick, Jr, and Chris Isaak were in the running, but most recently the persistent rumor is that they will have three judges:
Steven Tyler, J. Lo, and Randy (Mr. Irrelevant) Jackson
I've heard Harry Connick, Jr, and Chris Isaak were in the running, but most recently the persistent rumor is that they will have three judges:
Steven Tyler, J. Lo, and Randy (Mr. Irrelevant) Jackson
Bland, Bland and Bland.
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