Waking up to a breakfast of lightly buttered wholemeal toast, pomegranate marmalade, quail's eggs and a small headache having emerged from a 14 day coma following the imbibing of a cocktail of my own devising in which key ingredients were ketamine and kerosene, I note with an elevated eyebrow that former lead vocalist with The Jackson Five, Michael Jackson, has died suddenly at the age of 50.

F*** me with a hastily mass produced f***ing Michael Jackson commemorative statuette with authentic replica sequin glove, now perhaps the f***ing human race can enter the next stage of f***ing evolution now that it's no longer f***ing fixated on the most colossal waste of mental and emotional f***ing energy ever to moonwalk the f***ing planet! The man who when he said he felt like a child, meant it as a f***ing cue to for his staff to go send out for one, preferably in f***ing Macaulay blonde! The man who wrote f***ing 'We Are The World', a f***ing arbitrary string of randomly generated f***ing pieties pulled out Bubbles's f***ing arse drowned in a f***ing vat of f***ing celebrity crocodile tears! The baby-dangling, literally f***ing arse-faced, Elizabeth Taylor-worrying f***ing minstrel in reverse! I mean, was this the c*** to end all c***s or what?

Michael Jackson was a star before he was ten years old. However, his upbringing, it was alleged, was a harsh one, at the hands of his violently disciplinarian father.

I f***ing tell you, old man f***ing Joe may be a f***ing giant pinstripe f***ing sewer reptile but he had the f***ing right idea in slapping that little twat around and making him f***ing dance on hotplates and nailing his feet to the floor or whatever the f*** he did! To the end of his f***ing days, the rest of the f***ing Jackson Five, Jackie, Jermaine, Tito, f***ing Ceausescu or whatever his name was, should have created a f***ing point to their useless f***ing lives by taking it in turns to kick Michael up the f***ing skin-draped coccyx he called a f***ing arse every f***ing 30 minutes! I mean, what the f***ing f*** are big brothers for?

Michael Jackson was a figure of some controversy – however, his supporters were among the most loyal and devoted of any pop star, despite the stories that circulated about their idol.

Jesus H f***ing Crucifix Dildo, what f***ing contaminated f***ing petri dish did these wretched, docile f***ing losers crawl from? I've strangled f***ing dogs with a more f***ing sceptical attitude towards f***ing humanity than these f***ing clotwads! You know, it beggars f***ing belief that they can put a man on the moon, but they can't f***ing invent giant, roaming airborne disposal units with special antennae so that every time some f***ing special needs case squeaks "We love you, Michael!" it triggers a glass suction tube to descend on them, f***ing inhale them up, mince their remains and shoot them in the f***ing direction of one of the moons of Jupiter! I mean, come the f*** on, science, ariba!

Michael Jackson's funeral was a lavish but sombre affair, in which his close friends and family paid glowing tribute to the artist for his humanitarianism and selfless love for others.

Did you f***ing see this? It was like having f***ing shit forced back up your f***ing arse! Does living in f***ing California sun-dry your f***ing brain, or what? Al f***ing Sharpton? How the f*** did he inveigle his f***ing way into the proceedings? And what the f*** happened to him? Wasn't he an obese f*** once? Or did Janet Jackson lend him the f***ing liposuction machine she's used to lose approximately 3000 pounds of f***ing fat these past 20 years? And the f***ing Maya Angelou poem, there was the real f***ing sofa biter! A f***ing rhyme and sentience-free f***ing zone guaranteed! Were they all on a bet to see who could straightfacedly utter the phrases most diametrically opposed to the f***ing truth? "He was a humanitarian..." NO! "He taught us how to love" DID HE F***! "He wasn't strange . ." YES HE F***ING WELL WAS, HE WAS STRANGER THAN A F***ING SEVEN-LEGGED GIRAFFE THAT F***ING LIVES UNDERWATER ONLY EMERGING TO THE OCEAN'S SURFACE ONCE EVERY F***ING SIX MONTHS TO UTTER THE WORDS "BERNARD CRIBBINS" IN A F***ING NORFOLK ACCENT! F***ING STRANGER, IF ANYTHING! I'll tell you the f***ing worst thing about that funeral, though – they should have held it ten f***ing years ago! Abducted him, hauled his f***ing chickenbone carcass into that f***ing gold coffin, screwed the lid down, drowned out his screams with a f***ing choral medley of "Earth Song", "We Are The World" and "Rockin' Robin" then buried the c*** eight feet under, the sound of his hammering f***ing fists and little squeaks growing fainter with every f***ing shovel full of f***ing soil! C***!

http://thequietus.com/articles/02127-mr-ag...crocodile-tears

Asking Al Sharpton to define strangeness is like asking Larry the Cable Guy to define funny.

what's Webster have to say about all this?

Meaning Emmanuel Lewis?

This cracked me up, Im much sadder about Billy Mays, which was a tragedy.

All the contrarians who were "totally way sadder" about a guy from infomercials dying (okay, totally believable), who think Michael Jackson was "overrated", who can't stand the news coverage, etc. - we get it. Really, we do. Sometimes I get annoyed when the news talks about something I'm not interested in, but then I remember that the world doesn't revolve around me or my opinions and interests and then I change the channel.

When Reagan died, I didn't shed a tear because I personally think he was an awful President for a myriad of reasons. But when co-workers were giving him a moment of silence, when they were talking about his death non-stop on the news - I didn't yell at them about how much he sucked. I realized that he meant a lot to a lot of people (for whatever reasons) and me yelling about how Kurt Cobain's death made me sadder wouldn't change anyone's mind about Reagan or do anyone any good. But if you want to be as cool as the lead singer from The Decemberists, go ahead and Twitter about how ridiculous it is that there was a big memorial service for arguably the most famous guy on Earth.

are you upset mj is not around to touch you still or something.....useless rocker your taking this death worse then the jackson family....get over it

Who the fuck are these assholes?

guys, Macca is on tour now.

why are you even talking about MJ still??

Jackson Family Sign $250 Million++++ Contract W/ Sony to raid the vaults