Snakes On a Plane is far from the proper forebear to this particular piece of viral internet hype.

Ten years ago, I never would have dreamed that Christina Aguilera would do something this weird and conceptual. But shit, I'm definitely interested in hearing the album.

ruh roh. Entire tour scrapped. Rumor is she's going back to "finish" the record. Which all means the comeback is bombing. I would expect a retooled record that just goes for the obvious big league producers. It wouldn't shock me to see all that Ladytron, Le Tigre and Goldfrapp scrapped in place of Tricky Stewart and Dr. Luke or whatever.

Alas, what none of her collaborators can do is divest Aguilera of the desire to go on and on about sex. If you're going to do a five-minute song about cunnilingus, it's a good idea to enlist foul-mouthed rapper Nicki Minaj, whose bug-eyed contribution lends the proceedings an air of gripping abandon. It's a less appealing idea to refer to your vagina throughout as your woo-hoo, perhaps the worst euphemism for the female genitals since R Kelly's Zoo, on which he bafflingly called his amorata's privates "Jurassic Park". If you do refer to your vagina as your woo-hoo, you're going to deflate the atmosphere of commanding female sexuality the rest of the track works so hard to create – "Hurry up!" she barks at one point – partly because it's infantalising, but mostly because it's a phrase that makes you think of Blur, and, with all due respect, the image of Dave Rowntree is not one a gentleman should ever have to conjure with when pleasuring a lady. As it turns out, the woo-hoo is but the first in a series of off-putting genital euphemisms. On a boring R&B ballad called Sex for Breakfast, she refers to her lover's penis as his "honey drip", which doesn't sound right at all: there's something about the image of a penis dripping a honey-like substance that suggests he'd be better off skipping sex for breakfast and heading instead to the urologist. The most off-putting of all comes before the woo-hoo song is done: "All the boys think it's cake when they taste my woo-hoo." Battenberg? Swiss roll? Let's hope they don't think it's a stollen. They're full of yeast.