So here's what happened... We've been dating for 9 months...i'm not going to get into any details, but she got quite upset with me on Friday... But then we talked things through and we both thought it was OK. Then, Sunday, she calls me up and says she's really hurt. i told her that what i did i did for completely different reasons than anything involving the relationship, and she told me that she was thinking about ending the whole thing. She's taking courses for 8 hours a day and then working for at least 4, and she said she wanted some time to think things through, so we went on one of those deadly little "breaks". So then, she calls me up yesterday and after a heated conversation, she breaks up with me. She calls me back 10 minutes later and says that when she's emotional, she sometimes makes rash decisions... That's natural, we all do that. Anyway, we talk about it, and then i guess i break up with her. Then we talk some more and we break up mutually. Her best friend calls me and asks why i wasn't willing to talk things through with her. i AM, and i told her this when i called her this morning before she drove off to class... Yes i woke up at 7 in order to call and tell her this. i hardly got the chance though, she told me she can't talk about it before class. Anyway, i went out with some people last night, one of whom works with her, and he told me that she had been saying she was going to break up with me all along. This leads me to believe that her "rash, emotion-based decision" was really not so much of one, if she'd been so sure of it the day before.

So what do i do? Should i still go talk to her? Is there really any hope for this, or will it never really be the same again?

i think we need to know how old both of you are

and it sounds like you have too many people discussing the inner workings of your relationship.

The cynical part of me wants to say that she was intending to break up with you all along, she just wanted to make it seem like it was your decision so she could walk away guilt free. Chicks like to do that for some reason.

We're both 18, and you're right. i was surprised when her best friend called me (i also was hitting the bong right at that moment), and i was even MORE surprised when her friend from work told me what she said. She told me that she wasn't planning on telling anybody any of the messy details, but apparently that was an empty promise.

If you're both 18, Alkaline OTM x10000

Yeah, it makes sense... A lot of sense, actually, just judging by things she said...


The question still remains, though, should i talk to her or no? Last i knew, she wants to talk about it this Saturday... i was hoping it would be sooner but w/e.

Skip it and go out with someone else on Saturday night. She wanted to break up with you all along right?

"Hmmmm, interesting. Let's analyze this 'bong' you speak of. You didn't, uh, bring it along with you today by any chance, did you?"

from the sound of all this i'm afraid this probably is the end. but really without knowing the initial cause of all this drama one really can't see where either of your heads are at from the get go.


you didn't tell her about that bi stuff did ya?

Without knowing the inner workings of your relationship, etc. I can't be 100% sure, but if she was telling people well in advance that she intended to break up, forget it, move on. Even if you still care for her and still want to be with her, if she's soured and no longer interested in any of that, it's probably better you let go. (In which case, I wouldn't even call her or talk to her for awhile...to hell with "pride" or all that shit about who broke up with who, that's just petty crap for gossip.)

Actually i'm seeing Clerks 2 on Friday with this one girl whom i think digs me just a lil bit...

But my guilt (which i should/shouldn't have??) will probably get me to talking to her Saturday, if only just to make sure everything is final.

get over her and find someone else. you're only 18, and she sounds like too much of a gossip to deal with. you want a relationship with someone you can trust and someone who grants only *you* access to their inner workings and feelings, and it sounds like she's not on board with that. let her go man. if she wants to talk, talk, but don't get hung up on it anymore.

Nah she knew that from the start.

You are far too young for this kind of drama. Walk away and never speak to her again, you will look back on it as brave and strong in a little while. Never linger too long if it ain't just right.

i'm not sure that she ISN'T interested in any of that, that's the thing. i'm not sure if i am interested in any of it as well.




Yeah... i think that's pretty much what i'm going to do. i'm pretty sure if we talk, the outcome will be the same. Since i don't have any high hopes for it, i guess it won't hurt as bad? i'm doing my best to distance myself already.


And thank you all for your help. You are the shit.

Oh, I'm sorry about this. Relationships are tough sometimes. Are you really broken up or are these threats to get you to react/change in a certain way? I guess that's the big question that only she can answer. If you think it might be salvageable you should try to talk to her. Although, it sounds like she might have already made her decisions, but is just having a hard time committing to it.

I hate to admit it, but I knew for a long time that leaving my last long-term boyfriend was inevitable before I actually had the courage to do it. I threatened to leave a few times to try to get him to open up to me, but he didn't like to talk about things. His theory was that if you ignore problems they go away.

Well, it sounds like you are willing to talk with her, which is good, but if she's not willing to make time to talk to you it could be because she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Maybe she feels that if she talks to you, you'll get her to change her mind. And not knowing what you did makes it trickier to give advice. I'm not asking for a confession or for juicy details I'm just saying it obviously is a big factor in the story. Let's just say, some things are more forgivable than others.

Good luck with this. I really hope things work out for you, pumpkin.

p.s. It took me a long time to type this so I apologize if some of these issues have already been addressed. I guess I'll know as soon as I hit "add reply" right now...


OK, yeah. I agree with Kmac. Exactly.

sounds like me. awesome.

Talk to her. Try to get her to meet you earlier than Saturday, and don't mention that her friends are calling you to tell you she planned to break up with you before this. Mentioning this won't get her to stay in the relationship and will probably hurt her friendships.

Put the decision firmly on her shoulders ("Just say go and I am gone.") and then stick to it. Tell her no games, if you go that's it. No tearful calls to come back and then break up again. Unless she wants break up sex, in which case nail her hard & then leave.

Wel, I guess the date is off then. Think of what could have been, Big D.

Thank you . i'm pretty sure this isn't a threat, it's actually quite the real thing. i think you're right about the "having trouble committing to it" thing, because i know she didn't WANT to break up with me... i'm actually surprised she is so angry at me for this... Honestly, what i did was something very self-destructive, and i thought she would be more like "ok well how can we fix this?" not "oh my god you don't care". Because i do. Pretty much everyone else who knows the juicy details agree with me. i'm not trying to say she's fickle or anything, because she certainly isn't.

i'm pretty sure all i can do at this point is offer to talk to her. If she says no, well, i'm going to try not to get hung up on that. And if we talk, chances are nothing is going to change. i don't want her leaving this thinking i'm an asshole though. We had a really good thing going for awhile. That's one reason i'm willing to talk, even though i'm almost positive it won't change a thing.




i did try to get earlier than Saturday... We talked yesterday, which is when all this happened... i asked her if she wanted to meet right then, last night. She said no, so i went off and got high. Oh, i'm so mature. i don't plan on mentioning the fact that she was planning on doing this, unless she specifically says that she DIDN'T plan it... Then i'll probably call her on that.

You have a really good idea though, putting the decision firmly on her shoulders. That's actually a great idea, and i am going to say all that stuff (no teary phone calls to come back). i've been through THAT shit before and i'm not willing to do it again.

You shouldn't've threatened, that's not the way to get him to open up. You just became one of those problems that he ignored 'til you went away.

You're right, you're better off without him.

were you snorting coke? girls don't like that.

Nah, i stay away from the nose candy.

I can change I swear..!




But anyway, yeah definitely wish you the best Bedlam. Breaking up sucks. Just make the most of your time and things will fall into place one way or another.

Don't bother trying to call her on planning on breaking up with you, you won't gain anything and will probably end up feeling bad about it later. If there's no guilt there's no guilt handle for her to work later.

I've known more girls that did coke than dudes.

if you do choose to call her and try and work it through make sure you tell her you got all your advice from your friends....freddie freelance, kmac, red74 and good ol uncle o' grimacey. she may change her tune.

it's true, you know. my advice is second only to that of a 7th grader.

I know...not my proudest moments. But they were less like threats and more like, "maybe we should break up." But still bad...

um...you're 18....move on!

sounds like a lot of drama, leave her in your dust

Maybe call her in a week or two for some good break up sex, then never talk to her again

And then hook up w someone hotter than her.


"Just look at that butt, that is a tight butt....hmmm."

I would give you advice but it would just fuck things up further
Just don't be like me. i get pretty pathetic if I ever get dumped, trying to win the girl back, even when I didn't like the girl that much in the first place. It's just my natural response.
That can't be attractive, and she will tell all her friends that you used to be this cool guy but you are a total freakn ow.
Just make her wait, pounce in a few weeks/months, whenever she starts trying to get in touch wiht you again (which *will* happen, no matter what she says now, esp. if she's still under the age of 21)

Seriously, just go for older women.

Yeah, that's how i am, too, actually. It sucks.......bad.

what he said

try this site:
http://www.urbancougar.com/

if you already got through breaking up, that means you will break up again if it all works out. I would say talk to her saturday and say "you made me realize that we just werent right for each other" and then thank her for showing you. not only will you have the chance to meet more people, but she will feel like a douche bag.

That makes a lot of sense. i was in this relationship for about a year, then i broke up with the girl because she was crazy clingy. We eventually got back together because, frankly, i really can't stand to be alone. i am talking to her Saturday, as far as i know. Doing what you advise, Pooter, seems as though it will work... It's sad, but now i don't even want her back, just because i know things will end up not working out again.



Yeah, i already did this... She called me and was like "yeah even when i called you i wasn't planning on it" and i was like "oh?" And then i moved in for what i thought, for some reason, would really do something... i don't even know what. You're right, i gained nothing and feel like a jackass for saying it.

Oooh god... So she called and said she wants to work things out... And i guess i don't even want to do that, i just want a clean break... But at the same time i don't want to let go... What's going to happen? What do i do?

you're going to learn from this. that's what you're going to do.

Listen, I've asked advice on here and I've gotten good and bad advice...

1.) Eventually, you'll figure it out...

2.) Make goddamn sure that you can live with yourself with whatever decision you end up making...

3.) To quote the great philospher Silent Bob..."There are a million fine looking women in the world...not all of them bring you lasagna for lunch"...

4.) Be certain of your decision and STICK TO IT....no hanging on...been there, done that, and it's not pretty...

5.) Draw the line in the proverbial sand...either she's with you or not....it is what it is...

That's tough. Sorry to hear about your troubles.

What's wrong with a little "me" time?


I would just forget about her. You're young and I bet you're a stud. Start picking up some bitches. Make sure to tell them you post on message boards. Chicks dig this.

Yeah, today being Saturday. So, today being the day i'm meeting her in person and we're talking shit out. She absolutely DESPISES it when i smoke weed, and she found out that i did it Wednesday (the night we broke up) because i smoked with someone she works with. So i dunno. i've realized she plays the victim a lot, but Lindys, you're dead on with the Silent Bob quote. She hasn't been through this before; i was the first person she was with that lasted a decent amount of time. i kept forgetting that she has not been through this kind of thing before when she said she would do "anything" to save the relationship. She doesn't get that things will never be the same, regardless. i guess i'm going to convey this to her today. She needs to stop taking things more personally than they need to be taken.

But Lindys, i hope to God i can live with myself after this one.

And Dan, i've hooked up and had sex with two girls since Wednesday. So...

Ok so now i told her that the decision was up to her... She made quite a convincing argument... Although she did pull that "if you don't want to fight for this than everything you ever said to me was a lie" bullshit. It's a fucking trump card, you know it's a load of shit but you really can't say anything to it except "umm no!". i told her it was up to her whether or not we try to patch things up. She said it wasn't and she wasn't going to do that. i guess if she refuses to make a decision on that i will just break it off. Let this die. Whee.

You're both confused and neither will say the "perfect" thing the other wants to hear. For you, it's just a decision of whether you still want to be with her or not, and not contingent on her having done the "right" thing recently or reacting in the "right" way to the possibility of breaking up, or even saying the "right" thing right now. Like you, she is also protecting herself at this vulnerable time, and that is normal. Do you want to be with her or not? That's all it is.

And the thing is, now that you put the decision on her, would you have been willing to make a go of it if that's what she decided? It doesn't sound like it. Don't put your future in someone else's hands, even if it seems like the easy way out. You could end up just prolonging the agony for both of you.

Very true, and i have thought about that. i've just got to go in talking to her saying that although i still love her, and although i will always treasure the times we've shared, it's just time to move on. All there is to do, and all there is to it.

And you can't very well let her stand between you and the herb... It is just unfair to try to control someone like that.

Wait you mean it's unfair for HER to try to control my use of pot?