This is the thread where you can forward your email jokes, stories, etc


> Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
> important
> meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
>
> Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
> parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life
> and
> give up me Irish Whiskey".
>
> Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
>
> Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
> he
> meets,
>
> "Do you want to go to heaven?"
>
> The man said, "I do Father."
>
> The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
>
> Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
>
> "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
> against
> the wall," said the priest.
>
> Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
> to
> heaven?
>
> O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
>
> The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
> you
> die you don't want to go to heaven?"
>
> O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
> together to go right now."
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time
> he'd
> been stealing the wood and selling it..
>
> At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession
> to
> repent.
>
> "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been
> stealing
> wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
>
> "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
> O'Toole
> said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the
> traffic
> cop on a busy street crossing.
>
> The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".
>
> Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
>
> He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
>
> After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went
> over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
> across?"
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
> the
> obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
> Finney.
>
> "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
>
> "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
> speeding
> in Connecticut.
>
> The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees
> an
> empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
>
> He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
>
> "Just water," says the priest.
>
> The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
>
> The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
> again!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
> stiff
> one - just had another fight with the little woman."
>
> "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
>
> "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
> knees."
>
> "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
>
> She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!"
>



Recognizing a Stroke


----- A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hour!
s he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was
getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours
which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps. Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.
Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer
brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a
stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.

2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny
out today) If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call
9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial
weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public
to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American
Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test
could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain
damage.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you
can bet that at least one life will be saved.

BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, you could
save their lives.

wait, why would i want to actually endure email forwards in *two* places?

I try to amuse and educate. Trust me, you'll be grateful next time you see someone have a stroke

Too goddamn late.

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, THE DECADE, AND PROBABLY THE
CENTURY & 100% TRUE

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars
and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet
having made even his first premium payment on the policy, t he lawyer filed
claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...
and WON! (Stay with me.)

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
"held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them aga inst fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare
cigars lost in the "fires."


NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!!
Using his own insurance claim and with the testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.

This is a true story and was the First place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! ......

Got this from my boss yesterday...... It pissed me off:

Next time I'd perfer indicating we chatted on the issue rather than "while he's out...". Nevertheless the initiative is appreciated. Thanks.

How to find inner peace?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished".

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

Snopes discredits that one. The real surprise is that Brad Paisley wrote a song about it. I'm sure that's a keeper.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were you trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting.



After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask
me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and
sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually
cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to
be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the
first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied."That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

Old Fart Jokes

>I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's
>permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
>
>
>--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,"No peer pressure."
>
>
>
>--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "! 98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
>
>
>--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
>replacement,
>new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
>I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have
my driver's license
>
>
>
>--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
>
>
>---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.!
>
>
>
>Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
>
>
>
>---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
>
>
>
>---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker
>
>
>
>---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
>
>
>
>---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
>
>
>
>---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
>
>
>
>--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
>
>
>
>- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
>
>
>
>Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

Six Classic (not classy) Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "Oh, No!!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a darned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work.

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but
it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

CATS:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and
she does.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the
mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Little Jess is becoming our leather clad Erma Bombeck...

Ha!

You know in those emails where they say if you forward this to 5 people something good will happen to you? I figure this way, at least 10 people are gonna be bored enough to read this shit so I'm due some good luck big time

This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her have to gasp for air. Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her
sick. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had the turkey
innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious
thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into
his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband wake with his usual
trumpeting which was following by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,
tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back
pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lips
as she asked him what the matter was. He said, "Honey, you were right".

"All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you. "
" What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and
today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in".

"I think that our paper is already a Michelle Kwan or a Sasha Cohen--we just need to little adjustments on the spins, the triple salchow, and the triple lutz."

The ending of an email from our newspaper advisor. Great guy, this asian immigrant who pretty much got his first view of America by attending SIU. He makes the most inappropriate references, saying how we should love our paper the same way that you could be in love with a stripper (reference to the horrid song, of course). He's full of horrible filthy innuendo that he says at the most inappropriate of times, but the students love him for that, and he also does an amazing job within the Comm department, so they love him too. They love him to the point of actually making him department head and giving him tenure. So Dr. Rey will be around with his horrid comments for a bit longer.

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all
of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that
the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a
big party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said
that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up
the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved.

They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms
and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth
5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking,
this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written.... For 95 points:

Which tire?

Showering Habits of Men vs. Women

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

----------------------------------------------------
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you!

Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Eventually, a new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

from my dad of all people... i talked to him about birth control a few weeks ago and now he thinks he can send condom jokes?! sick.




>Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
admired
>for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came
to
>call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She
invited
>him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
>
>
>As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
>cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in
>the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and
>scones, they began to chat.
>
>
>The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its
>strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no
longer
>resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
>this?" pointing to the bowl.
>
>
>"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
Park
>a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
>directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would
>prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
>winter?"
>
>
>(If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be
five
>fewer people smiling in the world!)

you asked for me to fwd my emails. here you go.

Hello amigos,
I like house number two as well. I like the bunk beds..you know we're gonna have some fun with those. In all I think the closer to the ocean the better. Then we can people watch and maybe invite some straggling high schoolers over for some roofie cocktails. I love those. However, like Morris said I think we'll be happy with anything. Count me in for anything. Number two is the best though.

Now, I think I should be able to get four days off with the possibility of more. So, I think we'll need one rental car. Whoever stays the longest should keep the car and then we'll shuttle people to airports between mine and the rental. Joey, do we know how long a drive it is from Norfolk? It can't be too bad. I'm bringing my guitar and we're all gonna write our official camping song. Something catchy that will get bikini tops off. Hope all is well. Can't wait for this yall. I love ye.
Tommy

nevermind.

its funny to me.

heh - no man, i wasn't commenting on yours!

i had posted something from an email i got and it didn't work.

hence the "nevermind."

But now that...



I'm over the ripe old age of thirty; I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!



There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen!



Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!



There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!



Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!



We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!



We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!



When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!



Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!



And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up .... we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!



You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.



You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

from: kmac
to: mitch, leroy, j
subject: Tv!

Hey! Remember that show "The Loop"? Mitch loved it, didn't he? Man, it was stupid, and it hasn't been on tv in like a year.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
from: mitch
to: kmac, j, leroy
subject: RE: Tv!

Really kmac, really?? What about "Love Monkey"? You had a man-crush on Teddy Geiger and smiled that girlish smile every time he appeared on screen. And I think they ended that show after 3 episodes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
from: leroy
to: mitch, kmac, j
subject: RE: Tv!

But didn't you tape Love Monkey, mitch? And how long do you expect Studio 60 to stay on the air?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
from: j
to: leroy, mitch, kmac
subject: RE: Tv!

Selfy tapes everything that airs....but he never watches any of it because he finds himself watching his Mean Girls DVD.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
from: kmac
to: j, leroy, mitch
subject: RE: Tv!

So are cameron and tessa gonna hook up, or what?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
from: mitch
to: kmac, j, leroy
subject: RE: Tv!

kmac, you are sooooooo way behind in Laguna! Tessa is bitter at Cameron right now. J, I think your head would explode if Kathy Griffin made an appearance on Stargate. And Leroy, I know you enjoy Studio 60 as much as I do. And for the record, I like Teddy Geiger also, but only because he put Kristin from Laguna in his video.

people, people, forward your emails here. god knows we all want miracles to happen to you.

Sorry, mistress Jess. This is the thread I meant to use. I deserve to be punished now.

http://soundopinions.org/forum/index.php?s...40&start=40

Holy Jeebus! I can't believe I'm related to the person who sent this to me (by marriage only)!

think i'm going to stop checking any emails from russian email addresses.

One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets

of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the

roads are wet and slick.

Suddenly, my daughter, Aspen,

spoke up from her relaxed position in her seat. "Dad, I'm

thinking of something."

This announcement usually meant she had been pondering some

fact for a while, and was now ready to expound all

that her six-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

"The rain!" she began, "is like sin, and the windshield

wipers are like God wiping our sins away."

After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond.

"That's really good, Aspen."

Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little girl take

this revelation? So I asked... "Do you notice how the rain

keeps on coming? What does that tell you?"

Aspen didn't hesitate one moment with her answer:

"We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us."

I will always remember this whenever I turn my wipers on.




In order to see the Rainbow, you must first endure some Rain.

The Duck & the Devil
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was
>>> given
>>>
>>> a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He prac ticed in the woods;
>>> but
>>> he
>>>
>>> could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed
>>> back
>>> for
>>>
>>> dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in
>>> the
>>>
>>> head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!
>>>
>>> In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his
>>> sister
>>>
>>> watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes."
>>> But
>>>
>>>
>>> Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen."
>>> Then
>>>
>>> she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and
>>>
>>> Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally
>>> just
>>>
>>>
>>> smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he
>>> wanted
>>> to
>>>
>>> help." She w hispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing
>>> and
>>>
>>> Johnny stayed to help.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he
>>> finally
>>>
>>>
>>> couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he
>>> had
>>>
>>>
>>> killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said,
>>> "Sweetheart,
>>> I
>>>
>>> know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing,
>>> but
>>>
>>>
>>> because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you
>>> would
>>>
>>>
>>> let Sally make a slave of you."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Thought for the day and every day thereafter? Whatever is in your past,
>>>
>>> whatever you have done... And the devil keeps throwing it up in your
>>> face
>>>
>>> (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness,
>>>
>>> etc.)...whatever it is...You need to know that God was standing at the
>>>
>>> window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He
>>> wants
>>> you
>>>
>>> to know that He lo ves you and that you are forgiven.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of
>>> you.
>>> The
>>>
>>> great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only
>>>
>>> forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and mercy that we
>>> are
>>>
>>> saved.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today. Share this
>>> with
>>> a
>>>
>>> friend and always remember:
>>>
>>> God is at the window!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> When Jesus died on the cross; he was thinking of you! If you are one of
>>> the
>>>
>>> 93 % who will stand up for him forward this w/ the title, "I'm in the
>>> 93%"
>>>
>>>
>>> Would you believe 7% of people won't forward this?

I can't believe that number isn't higher

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stasiu asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

You Might Be From Chicago If:

You know where Aladdin's Castle was
1. The "living room" is called the "front room."
2. You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. You become irate at p! eople who do.
3. You measure distance in minutes (especially "from the city"). And you swear everything is pretty much 1/2 hour away.
4. You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines."
5. You go to visit friends or family down south and laugh when they complain about the traffic.

You know this was not the Greyhound bus station
6. You understand that no person from Chicago can be a Cub fan AND a White Sox fan.
7. It's "Kitty corner" not "Katty corner."8. You know the difference between The Loop and Downtown
9. You eat your pizza in squares, not triangles, and you never refer to it as "pie"
10. You own celery salt
11. You understand that the primary is the official local election.
12. You have drunk green beer on St. Paddy's Day
13. Stores don't have sacks, they have bags.
14. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "Can I go with?"
15. Your idea of a great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun, "everything" is on it and a slice of dill pickle is on the side.

You know "The Bobs" was not plural for Bob
16. You carry jumper cables in your car.
17. You drink "pop."
18. You understand that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads.
19. You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy,Eisenhower,Dan Ryan, and the Edens
20. But you call the interstates "expressways."
21. You refer to anything south of I-80 as "Southern or Central Illinois."
22. You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake."
23. You refer to Chicago as "The City"
24. "The Super Bowl" refers to one specific! game in January 1986.
25. You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers.
26. You buy "The Trib" and not the Tribune.
27. You know that despite being on the lake, there is no such place as the Waterfront.
28. You think 45 degrees is great weather to wash yo! ur car.
29. You picnic or ride your bike in the "forest preserve"
30. You cried when Bozo was canceled on WGN.

You know this was "The Silver Flash", not the "EL"
31.You know what goes on a Chicago style hot dog.
32. You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.
33. You know why they call Chicago "The Windy City."
34. You understand what "lake-effect" means
35. You know the difference betwee! n Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at.
37. You have ridden the "L."
38. You think your next-door neighbor is a cousin to Tony Soprano.
39. You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847,630,773,708, 312, & 815.
40. You have at some time in your life, used your furniture or a friend's body to guard your parking spot in winter
41. You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a "side." Example: "West Side," "South Side" or "North Side."
42. You know the phone number to Empire Carpet!
43. You know what a garache-key is!

Someone enlighten me please.

say it out loud

I don't get that one either.




I would hope that you wouldn't have to be from Chicago to know that I-90 and I-294 are different roads.

Sout' Side "garage key".

Is it a really weird look from my cube mate?

(I have never said "cube mate" in my life and never will again. Damn, just said it again.)

SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple."

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the
secret of their long & happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our
honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona & took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse & quietly said, 'That's once. '"

"We proceeded a little further & the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' "

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for
a 3rd time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse & shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why
did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

"She looked at me, & quietly said, 'That's once.' "

"And, from that moment, we have lived happily ever after."

MAYA ANGELOU





A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to

retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without;

ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. ..

whom she can trust,

whom she can't,

and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...

be it to her best friend's kitchen table...

or a charming inn in the woods...

when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...

a month...and a year...





SEND THIS TO 3 WOMEN....

You will have good luck for an entire day..




SEND THIS TO 6 WOMEN....

you will have good luck for all of the year or if nothing else...

you know that you are truly loved and thought of by the friend,

who sent this to you...

and that she only wishes the best for you and your life...

Thank you for the blessings, knowing you have given to my life...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

____________________________________________

And the best for last .....

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.

Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories per serving.

Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

Newspaper weeds away
Start putting in your plants; work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.

Broken Glass
Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken glass pieces of
Glass- the fibers catch ones you can't see!

No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gif wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and - voila - static is gone.

Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!


Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include
Something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Voila! It unseals easily.

Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...

Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2"
With Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home," & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, ESP. If it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

Take baby powder to the beach
Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When your ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.

Pass on these great tips to your friends!

Something we should all remember:



A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.


As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.


"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.



"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."

" That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.


"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing." Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred .
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Pass this message to 7 people except me. You will receive a miracle tomorrow..

Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracle tomorrow. So send it right now!

20 ways to keep a high level of insanity!..

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your
Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I
Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......

keep passing this on!

This, uh...this actually made me laugh pretty loudly.